Penname: Hermione Granger
by Cassiel Oliviari
Summary: Hermione and the gang sold their story to a Muggle Author, who turned it into a big hit, but skewed the facts. She tries to retaliate by writing her own fanfiction, but finds out it's harder than it looks.APPENDIX0913
1. Last Paycheque

Disclaimer: because of certain legal issues or something, I cannot have JKR in this story. Henceforth, she will be replaced by The Author. And no, I don't own her, or anything else. Geez.

Chapter I – Last Paycheque

"Well, there you go," The Author sighed, signing the cheque with an extra flourish, "I hope to work with you again, Hermione."

"Maybe on Book Eight?" Hermione replied with a smile, knowing full well what The Author would have to say about that.

"Godammit Hermione!" she spat, ripping the cheque out of the book with vehemence, "If one more stupid reporter even mentions a Book Eight, I'm going to tear their filthy hearts out with a butter knife!"

Hermione laughed, and took the cheque from the woman's hands. She gave her one last smile, before walking out the door of the office.

Now what would she do? Selling her story had been her only source of income for seven whole years. Her, Ron and Harry hadn't had to work a day of their lives since graduating, which had been when the cheques had come in. Sure, she had graduated top of her class, but that was seven years ago. Did she even remember half the things she had learned?

"Hermione."

She turned to see The Author holding a large volume out to her. "It's the First Edition Book Seven, Hermione, signed and everything. I want you to have one."

"Oh Author, you know my rule," Hermione scolded. "No reading the books, or watching the Movies. All of us gave you free reign on our lives, and I don't want to get wrongfully mad at what you did to them."

"It was your life, Hermione," The Author said, rummaging around her desk, until she produced an entire stack of books. "You have a right to know what I did to it. Take the entire series. I want you to read them, and watch the movies too, if you wish. I'd consider it a personal favour."

Hermione looked at the colourful stack of books sitting on The Author's desk. She could never resist books. And these were large ones at that, thick and heavy. She walked back, and stroked the first one with her hand, admiring the art.

"Hey," she squinted, inspecting the picture more closely, "Harry doesn't wear glasses!"

"I felt the need to make him more……geeky. Give him an ounce of pity from the readers." The Author pulled out the second one, and pointed at the flying car. "I know, it wasn't a Ford Anglia, neither was it blue. These are all just minor changes I made." She eyed Hermione pleadingly. "Read the books, Hermione."

"Those are only _minor_ changes? What else did you do?"

The Author cleared her throat. "I am only going to tell you if you promise to read them, Hermione."

She nodded.

"Okay. You know Crabbe, and Goyle?" The Author paused for effect. "I made them Draco Malfoy's brainless goons."

Hermione's eyes widened, but she bit her lip, and stayed quiet.

The Author motioned for her to sit down. "The Dursleys are now anal retentive Muggles, and they DON'T try to figure out ways to get rid of Harry. They just sit in a corner and be afraid. Ummmm…Pansy Parkinson is only minor character, I KNOW Hermione!" The Author scolded her, as she was viciously chewing her lip, "I KNOW that Pansy was vital in ridding the world of the Dark Lord, but still, too many characters would confuse people. Oh, and speaking of the Dark Lord," The Author now began to look a bit nervous, "I changed his name to Voldemort."

Hermione snorted. "Sounds like a wart remover."

"Ah, yes, speaking of warts…..I changed The Academy of Magical Unity and Wellbeing to……uh…..Hogwarts."

"HOGWARTS!" Hermione burst into a fit of giggles. "I'm an alumni of _Hogwarts_???"

"It gives the story a much more fantastical air." The Author justified. "And in the….ahem….relationship section." Hermione immediately sobered up. "I took the liberty of making Ginny Harry's companion."

_Choke. _"But….but….Ginny is Ron's wife!"

"I assure you that it was NOT and easy decision to make! Instead, I made Ginny Ron's sister!"

"That's disgusting."

The Author scoffed. "Millions of readers don't share your opinion. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be getting back to work."

Hermione stood. "I'm sorry," she apologized to The Author. "I must seem so ungrateful. But please, tell me, what did you make me like?"

The Author smiled. "I made you a stuffy, brown eyed, bushy haired bookworm."

Hermione was taken aback. "But, that's exactly what I was like!"

"You were already perfect." The Author pointed at the clock, and remarked, "Hermione, aren't you going to be late at picking up your son?"

Hermione gave a little look at the clock, and shrieked.

"Oh Lord! Tommy will be out in 5 minutes!" She grabbed her bags, and shot a longing look at the books. "Will it be okay if I send a house elf after those?"

"Of course. I haven't had a chat with Dobby in ages."

"He's been remarkably busy decorating Katrine's room, but I'll send him anyway. Thanks for the books."

The Author gave a curt nod, and called after Hermione's retreating back;

"Thanks for the memories."

--------

"………and we sang songs, and played Play-Doh, and folded pretty paper cranes, and painted, and read nice books, and….."

Hermione suppressed a groan, clutching her son's hand tightly. He was just as talkative as she had been at that age, and so curious and inquisitive. She released his hand, and stroked his sandy-brown curls a bit. They were heading towards the library, one of Hermione's favourite places, to borrow a few books, and drop Tommy off at Story Time.

"………….and then we were at Circle Time, and Billy told us about a story his mommy had read him, and it was called Harry Potter, just like Uncle Harry! Isn't that funny, Mummy?"

Hermione's hand stopped through his hair. "Did you tell him about Uncle Harry, Tom?"

Tommy shook his head. "No. You told me that wasn't his real name anyways, remember?"

Hermione exhaled softly. "And what's his real name, hun?"

"Henry. But you said that in the olden days, people used to call Henrys Harry, because they though funny, or summin."

The Author had suggested false names a while ago, before the books were even published. After all, not all of them were Dean Thomas, and could hide under the cloak of a popular name. Draco Malfoy, for example. Not a lot of those out there.

"But Dorian McIsaac?" she muttered under her breath. He had, of course, chosen his own name, stupid arse. How many Dorian McIsaacs were there? Probably the same amount as there were Draco Malfoys.

"Why do you and Uncle Harry, and everyone else call each other funny names sometimes, Mummy?"

"You already know why, sweetie. They were our nicknames when we went to school."

"Oh, right."

They entered the library, and Hermione steered Tommy into the side room, where a sizeable group of children were already gathered. The woman who normally led the group was away, and replaced by two teenage girls.

"And who is this?" the blonde one said, holding a name tag. Tommy wrinkled his nose at her, and Hermione gave him a little nudge.

"Tommy," he mumbled.

The girls gave each other a look, then began to giggle. Hermione looked at each of them, the blonde and the brunette, and cleared her throat.

"Is there something wrong?" she asked.

The brunette shook her head no. "There's just this actor we like, from the Harry Potter movies, and his name is Tom, that's all."

The blonde handed Tommy his name tag, and he ran towards his friends. Hermione gave him a last look, then walked out the door into the library.

A rock seemed to have fallen into her stomach at the words "Harry Potter Movie". She was still a bit shocked by The Author's changes to her story, but still. The name of one of the actors sparked a curiosity in her that couldn't be suppressed. She cleared her throat, and sat down at an available computer.

She went to Google.com, and clicked the little, blue, "Images" button. Hands trembling a slight bit, she typed in "Tom".

The first image that popped up was one of a smiling bald man, then a bug-eyed baby, and a few comic book strips that had been scanned in. No wizards.

She mentally cursed herself. _Specifics, Hermione, specifics. _She went back up to the search bar, and typed, "Tom Harry Potter."

Cringing, she clicked "search".

This time, the first picture was of a blonde boy, lying on the grass, in green Slytherin robes. Her heart beating furiously, she clicked it.

"Gateway timeout?" she hissed, reading the screen. "What the hell is that?"

She clicked back, and to her dismay, they pictures had totally rearranged themselves. Finding another picture of the blonde boy, who was this time looking quite demented, she clicked it, and gasped at what she saw.

"This has to be the creepiest thing that I have ever seen," she whispered. Indeed, it had to be, children dressing up like you and your friends. She scrolled down, enthralled, staring the mini versions of her, Harry, Ron and Draco.

The Author must have helped with casting she thought, shaking her head in amazement. _They have uncanny likenesses._

Feeling a bit bold, she typed in "Hermione Granger."

_She is a very beautiful girl _She thought, as she scrolled down. Something caught her eye, and she paused.

"Hermione and RON?" she choked, suppressing the urge to gag. Is THAT what The Author did, one of those majour changes? A bit unnerved, she furiously typed in "Hermione Malfoy".

_Boring pictures. And how DARE she? First making Ginny Ron's sister, then making me his….._She shuddered.

"I would suggest 'Draco Hermione' instead."

Hermione jumped nearly 3 feet in the air. Behind her stood the blonde from Story Time, who was looking over her shoulder at the searches.

"Wh….what?"

The blonde stared at her. "You're a Draco/Hermione shipper, right?"

"Ah….uhm….I guess, yeah."

She squealed. "Excellent! Do you write fanfics?"

Hermione was flabbergasted. "Fan-what?"

The girl's eyes widened. "You don't know what FANFICS are? All D/H fans are pro at fanfics! We practically OWN ff.net!"

"Uhm," Hermione pointed at the door, "Aren't you supposed to be in there?"

The girl rolled her eyes. "I guess. Sorry for pouncing on you, its just so exciting to meet someone with the same tastes as you. Here's my email," she said, scrawling it on Hermione's arm. "Chat with me or something."

Hermione rolled her own eyes as the girl gave a little wave, and headed towards story time.

"Mudbloods."

-----------------

_Crack!_

Draco Malfoy looked up from his paper, only to see his house elf Dobby suddenly appear, loaded down with books. Dobby swayed slightly back and forth, before crashing to the ground, one of his ears pinned down by a purple copy of _Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban._

"What….the…._hell_….are you doing in here with those……_things_?" Draco spat, his heart beating triple time. Dobby whimpered, his master got so angry when things weren't done right.

"The Mistress, sir, she commanded Dobby to bring these home, sir," he explained, wrenching the book off his ear, and throwing it across the room.

Draco caught it deftly, and examined the cover. "_Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban_," he read dryly. "If I recall correctly, it was Sirius Black who caught the prisoner of Azkaban, not Harry."

Dobby nodded, finally free of the giant volumes. "It was indeed, Master, such a wise and wonderful deduction."

Draco gave him a snarky look, then laughed at his pathetic comment. "You crack me up, Dobby," he said, tossing the book back to the elf. "Hand me the first one."

Dobby tossed the red book to him, and he glanced at the cover. "_Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone_. Hmm, shouldn't it be Hermione Granger and the Philosopher's Stone?" he shrugged, then opened the book and began to read;

"Chapter One, the Boy who Lived…….."


	2. Meet the Malfoy

Disclaimer: No, I don't own Harry Potter. But some really nice reviewer could buy it for me for my birthday! winkwink

Note: You have no idea how happy I was when I got home, and saw all my nice, shiny reviews! Thank you so much! (if you want email updates, or summin, just leave your, uh, email in your review, or tell me in the review, or, I don't know)

Chapter II- Meet the Malfoy

"……giggle….._at this, Neville let out a little moan, and Malfoy,_ God, I have a first name! _stopped dead in his tracks_."

Draco adjusted his daughter, Katrine, who was sleeping on his chest, then looked over at Dobby, and donned the snootiest face he could provide.

"'The forest?' he repeated, and he didn't sound quite as cool as usual. 'We can't go in there at night- there's all sorts of things in there- werewolves, I heard.'"

Dobby sniggered along with Draco, who was having a delightful time making fun of his fictional self. "I sound like the biggest pansy-ass kid in the world. I wonder what the fans make of me?"

"_Neville clutched the sleeve of Harry's robe…"_ Draco wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, causing Dobby to snort loudly, "_…….and made a choking noise. 'That's your problem, isn't it?' said Filch, his voice cracking with glee. 'Should've thought of them werewolves before you got in trouble, shouldn't you?'_ Oh Shut up Filch, you old prune!"

"As I recall," Dobby interjected, pointing on of his long fingers at the mantel, "Mr. Filch was Master's gardener, was he not?"

"You recall correctly, Dobby," Draco said curtly. The bundle on his chest stirred a bit, and opened it's tired, long-lashed eyes.

"Hello, sleepy," he whispered at her. She blushed slightly, and buried her face back into the shoulder of his robes. He laughed quietly, and continued reading.

_"Hagrid came striding toward them out of the dark, Fang at his heel. He was carrying his large….."_

**SLAM!**

"Draco?"

He stood up, steadying Katrine, a stupid grin on his face. Handing off the book to Dobby, he walked into the hall, and gave Hermione a small chaste kiss.

"Mmmm, have a good day?"

She placed a warm hand on his chest. "We need to talk."

-----------------

"So, you're an heir to a gigantic fortune? Wow, how original." Hermione rolled her eyes. "it seems that she hasn't really changed any of the main characters."

"Except for the relationships. I couldn't help but notice that you despise me," Draco said, looking hurt. "I wasn't that bad, was I?"

"I had a crush on you, but I suppose she underplayed it a bit." Hermione sighed, then began rubbing her temples with her fingertips. "I don't know, I haven't read the books. All I know has been taken from Internet sources."

He laughed. "Wow, that's really reliable, Mione. What did you find out?"

"Well," she turned a slight green. "I think The Author put Ron and I together."

_Cough._

"Draco?"

_Cough._

"Draco, that's not funny."

_Cough._

"Hun, you're scaring me. Stop staring at the wall."

_Cough. _

She smacked his head lightly.

"Owww, that hurt," he protested. "I was just a bit….shocked, that's all. What about Ginny?"

"She made Ginny his sister."

A delicious smile rode across his features. "I bet he loves that."

Hermione frowned. "I don't think he's read the books," she said. Walking towards "his" chair, she picked up the copy of _Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone_.

"How are they?"

Draco looked up from the fire. "huh?"

"The books, Draco. Are they good?"

"I've only read the beginning of the first one, and, all things aside, it's very well written." He grinned. "Give them a try."

---------------

Dh4evr has just signed on

Hermione bit her lip, and clicked the pop-up.

Leomum says:_ hi_

Dh4evr says: _hey, ur that dh-er at the library, righ?_

Leomum says: _yeah. I just read the books again, and im a bit bummed._

Hermione _had _read the books finally, after 3 days of non-stop power reading. It had been a long, and sometimes tedious trip, but she had come out the other side standing, a bit confused, respect for The Author overflowing. She truly was a gifted writer, turning their story into _that._

Dh4evr says: _y don't you go read some ff? It always cheers me up_

Leomum says: _wats ff?_

Dh4evr says: _fanfiction_

The words "fan" and "fiction", melded together, intrigued her.

Leomum says: _tell me more……_

_--------------------_

"…..so in fanfiction, there are many types of Dracos."

Hermione sketched a little makeshift diagram onto a cocktail napkin at their lounge bar, consisting of the words "Draco", "good" and "bad". Draco leant forward , sipping thoughtfully at his martini, while she continued.

"the first is Nice!Draco, which breaks into these subplots of Tortured!Draco and Gay!(female equivalent)Draco."

Drinking!Draco choked on his drink, spewing the contents back into the glass.

"Gay or tortured? That's not nice."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Gay!(female equivalent)Draco is very sensitive, loving and _nice _to his partner, either Harry or Ron, or occasionally someone else. This Draco enjoys picking flowers, and writing poetry."

"How can they even give that character my name? He's not me!" He squinted at the napkin. "and why are there little exclamation points? Are they important?"

"No! They're just there for decoration. Anyway, Tortured!Draco has almost always been beaten by his father in the secret torture chambers under Malfoy Manor."

"I didn't know we had a manor….."

"Apparently you grew up in a giant one situated on a rocky, secluded island, but lets not get into that." Hermione began drawing a great deal of sprawling and connecting lines on her napkin. "Tortured!Draco will either branch into Protective!Draco, and become a knight-in-shining armor type, or he will end up over here," she drew the word "evil" and put a bow around it, "and become and Insane/Masochist!Draco."

"So let me get this straight," he said, gesturing with his toothpick. "Poor Draco gets tortured by his dad, then sent off to school, where he either becomes a sugary sweet fluffball, or an insane masochist?"

"Insane SLASH Masochist!" Hermione emphasized. "Speaking of which, Harry SLASH Draco is very popular…."

Draco shook his head. "Let's not get into that just yet."

"Ok." She drew another line from the "good" side. "This is semi-nice Draco, branching into LoveObject!Draco and Intelligent!Draco." Giving him a don't-interrupt look, she continued her lecture. "LoveObject!Draco is either Confused! Or Caring!. I suppose that's pretty self explainitory?" He nodded. "Intelligent!Draco covers a lot of bases, as most authors assume Draco in general isn't a half-wit. This Draco is either a SmartArseComments!Draco or Head Boy, which subsequently means that he will have lots of awkward situations with the Head Girl."

"Which is you," Draco observed.

"Yes. Now here," she circled the word "bad", and he grinned. "Over here there are the Semi-Evil Dracos, which are really only one sort." She paused for effect. "The SexGod!Draco."

"Naturally."

"This is the most common Fan Fic Draco, with the leather pants and black satin boxers. He's the one who snogs in the library, and has sex with every female in Hogwarts. But there is one who eludes his charms. Care to guess who?"

He smirked. "The ever-frigid Hermione Granger, of course."

"Exactly. Ten points to Slytherin. SexGod!Draco sprouts into the ProwlingPredator!Draco, and chases after her, screws her in the Astronomy Tower, then, depending on the circumstances, he becomes the ever-popular Angst!Draco, or Possesive!Draco."

"Is there only one type of SexGod!Draco?" He seemed rather fond of that one.

Hermione got an evil glint in her eye. "There is Gay!(Male Equivalent)Draco. Do you want to….."

"NO! That's ok, thanks!"

"Suit yourself. Now, onto the Evil ones. The first is LuciusJr!Draco, a Death Eater, rich, proud, blah blah blah."

Draco looked genuinely offended. "You think he's boring?" he asked in his little boy voice, eyes huge and moist.

"Just a bit unoriginal," Hermione corrected herself. "He's fine, I guess, but he has nothing on Rapist!Draco."

Tinkle. "Draco dropped his glass. "They have me, I mean, my likeness, raping people?"

His wife nodded. "But don't worry. ¾ times you, or your counterpart, I suppose, morph into Guilty!Draco, then Protective!Draco, and then finally, when the baby is born, you become a doting Father!Draco. And yes," she anticipated his next question, "she always gets pregnant."

He laughed. "What about the other ¼ of the time?"

"Well, then the poor thing is destined to become either our old friend Insane/Masochist!Draco, or Angst!Draco, soon to turn into Suicidal!Draco."

"Cant he just forget about her?" Draco asked innocently.

Her eyes widened in horror. "NO! That's the entire point. He LOVES her, you ninny!" She poked him playfully on the nose.

"Okay, okay." He held up his hands in surrender. "So, why do you know these things? You cant be that curious, after all, you live with Real!Draco."

"Funny you should ask," she said, blushing a bit. "I'm writing my own fanfic."

His eyebrows shot up to his hairline, and he quickly poured himself another drink. "Really. Me and you in it?"

She nodded.

"Rated….." he gave a little purr, "…..R?"

"Possibly."

Draco licked his lips. "Maybe this fanfiction thing isn't that bad after all."

THANKS TO ALL REVIEWERS!!!!! PLEASE R & R!

Cough a book I highly recommend (for the more mature crowd) is Barry Trotter and the Unauthorized Parody, which I based this story on. It's ridiculous, and quite good, aside from the fact that there is almost no Draco (or Dorco, as he is called) in it


	3. Smut, Silliness, and Slashfics

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. Blah.

Chapter III- Smut, Silliness, and Slashfics!

"Whatcha doin?"

Hermione eyed her husband, who was peeking over her shoulder. He had an impish look on his face as he stared at her near-blank computer screen.

"YOU of all people should know!" she replied, clearly irate. "I'm writing a darn fanfic."

He surveyed her page, a pensive look written on his face. "It looks…..dull," he commented, reaching over to cup her hands in his own, taking control of the keyboard. "Was our 7th year really that boring?"

Looking up at the established text, he began to read. "_Hermione, Harry, and Ron walked down the hall into the library. Reaching up, Hermione pushed open the door, and gasped at what she saw. _Wow, dear, that's brilliant." He mumbled sarcastically. "What does she see, a brand new edition of _Hogwarts: A History?_"

She smacked his arm. "She sees…..I don't know. Something surprising."

Draco grinned, and began typing.

"**_It was Draco Malfoy, mysterius_**, no, wait, **_mysteriously clad in only black satin boxers, and leather pants. Hermione gasped again, her face flushing a sexy rose colour, as her hands reached towards her...._**"

"Mal-FOY!" she shrieked, sounding exactly like her 13-year old bookworm self. "We're in the library, dammit!"

"You told me he likes the library…." He protested. "Besides, this is YOUR story, does it really matter where we are?"

"Harry and Ron are there! They would beat you up!"

He stared at her for a second, then it dawned on him. "Right! She made us mortal enemies, didn't she? Yes, I remember now, Ron is Harry's best friend!" He frowned. "But does it really matter?"

Groaning, Hermione pushed his hands off hers, and leaned back, ready for another lecture. "In Fanfiction, there is a specific universe that is already established, the canon universe. If you are a highly talented writer, which I am not, you can get away with scrapping the canon, and building your own fanon universe, but I'm not going to do that. I wouldn't know where to start."

Draco squinted at the screen. "You spelt DeLacur wrong," he noted.

"It's _Delacouer_ now, she changed it. You know, _of the heart_?"

He made and "o" with his mouth, and was about to point out another mistake, when Dobby burst in, holding a thin box.

"For you, Mistress, from Fred Weasley."

Hermione stood, and took the box. It was clearly from Fred's shop, _Magical Moments to Mystify Muggles_, a store that sold time travel objects, and other such things. She opened the box, to find an ornate pen, attached to a long, silver chain. There was a note as well. Intrigued, she flipped it open, and read.

_Dear Hermione,_

It has come to my attention that you have read the entire Harry Potter_ series. As I have known you from quite some time, I assumed that upon completion of the rather overly-large tomes, you would feel unsatisfied, and become overcome with the urge to write what the muggles call "fanfiction". _Hermione choked a bit. _Okay, I actually saw you complain to Ginny tomorrow about your writer's block, but I knew it nonetheless. Anyhow, in this box is a _Weasley Writing Wizard_, a combination of a Quick-Quotes Quill, and a Time-Turner. Just toss the chain around your neck, and concentrate on the story you wish to write. Once transported, anything you say, do, or make happen gets recorded wherever you wish, in your case, the family computer._

Cheerio,

F. Weasley

P.S. Do make me have a twin, Hermione. Out of the entire series, George is The Author's best idea.

FW

Hermione laughed quietly to herself, and pocketed the note. She picked up the "Weasley Writing Wizard" gently, and examined it.

"What is that?" Draco asked. He walked up to her, a quizzical look on his face.

"Oh," she blushed, "It's just a writing tool, that's all. A fancy pen, or something." He knew she wasn't telling the entire truth, she could tell by his calculating look, but she didn't need him knowing she needed magical help to write a simple story. Especially when he could just rip one out in no time. Even as a married couple, there was still a smidgen of competition left in their relationship. Hermione Granger could _always _best Draco Malfoy.

But could she really write?

------

Hermione sighed, resting her head on her pillow. Her mind was spinning….._Harry fumed…….Hermione shrieked……Ron choked…..Draco stripped……DRACO STRIPPED?_

Her gorgeous, delicious, handsome, sexy, hot, husband was currently sliding onto the foot of their bed, peeling of his shirt _achingly_ slow, his right eyebrow slightly raised.

"Am I inspiring you?" he asked, huskily. She giggled girlishly, wrapping her arms around his neck, trailing tiny kisses down his neck……

(an: sadly, this is pg-13, and for language only…..maybe another time, l&l-ers)

Smiling happily, Hermione buried her head into her husband's pale chest. He stroked her hair slowly, relishing the slight waves and bumps in it.

Something was nagging in the back of his head, something that Hermione kept bringing up last night. It was weird, and slightly disturbing, but kept creeping up, like a bad penny. Knowing he was going to regret it later, Draco cleared his throat, and asked, "Do they really have stories where Harry and I are gay?"

"Where did that come from?" she asked, sitting up slightly.

"I, uh, it was just bugging me."

She gave him an oddly calculating look, then whispered, "You're not turning gay on me, are you?"

"WHAT?"

"Just kidding. I know, I was pretty curious when I found out they had stories with me paired up with Ginny." She laughed. "I read a couple, and except for the fact that I was, well, you know, they were quite nice."

An evil grin made its way across his face. "So, are you usually the butch one, or is she?"

She shrugged. "We're usually both pretty femme, though I'm dominating, since im older."

"Oh. And I suppose that I'm the dominant one in my relationships with Harry, since I'm older?"

"No, it's usually because you're evil. Remember, the Semi-evil Draco?"

"Oh yeah…."

"I haven't actually really read any of those stories….."

He looked over at her, shocked. "I thought you'd want to be the first to read them. I mean," he flushed a slight bit, "It is after all your husband, with another guy, and I thought maybe…"

"Draco Malfoy!" she said, eyes wide. "How many girls have you known? We don't get turned on by that sort of thing!"

He turned at violent shade of purple. "Okay."

They both settled down back into bed. Draco stared at the ceiling, feeling incredibly stupid.

"Draco?"

"Mhhm?"

"I might want to check out some Draco/Harry stories as, you know, research, or something. I don't like it, ok?" There was a pause. "Don't think that way."

----

**__**

_Ring Ring!_

Ginny MacNeil-Weasley groaned rather loudly, and ran towards the phone, curlers in her hair. Rather breathlessly, she answered it.

"Hello?"

_"Ginny? It's me, Hermione."_

"Hi, Mione! What's going on?"

Ginny heard Hermione sigh. _"I was just wondering, well, I'm going on a vacation for a bit, and I was, well, wondering if you could watch over the kids for a bit, while Draco is at work."_

She smiled. "have you finally gotten a job, Hermione? Or is this just another vacation?"

_"Well, this might be it, Ginny. I think I might have found my dream job."_

--------

Hermione hung up the phone, and rolled her eyes. Glancing around for anyone, she slowly pulled a heavy chain from her robes, and held it in her hand. She had told Draco that she was going, going to make things right again, and he had understood. Sort of.

Well, not really. He things I'm going to a Harry Potter convention in Canada.

She closed her eyes, threw the chain over her neck, and concentrated on Hogwarts, 1997.

_Showtime._

------

A/N: haha, this chappie was a bit stupid, but I needed it to build up to the next one, which is….(dumdumdum)…Hermione TAKING OVER HER FANFIC! (but will Draco discover where she really is?)

R&R!


	4. Loaded Into the Canon

Disclaimer: Je n'ai pas l'Harry Potter (don't literally translate that, it doesn't work out)

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A/n: this is where it gets confusing. The **bold** type is the "story", and the normal_ type is what is happening to Hermione. Ok? (and after TBC, it goes back to the real world) comment if you have a better idea!_

Chapter IV

Loaded Into the Canon

THUNK!

Hermione grabbed her head, moaning softly. She seemed to be wedged under something hard and wiry, which was squishing her into a splintery wood floor. She was in a cold, unknown room, armed with only a pen. Hopefully there were no enemies. The room smelled….funky, to say the least, like teenaged boy, and it was very dark.

OF COURSE! Almost all Harry Potter stories started out in Harry's bedroom, canon or fanon! Hermione laughed at her stupidity. This was it! The beginning of her story!

There was a rustle above her. Hermione held her breath, then exhaled sharply. What did she have to be afraid of? Harry was a friend, he wasn't going to hurt her! A small groan confirmed her suspicions. The mattress squeaked as he sat up, and said;

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Chapter One- Reunion

Hermione stifled a scream. _What on earth…._

"NO!"

Harry Potter sat upright in his bed. He was troubled by the dreams that haunted him day and night, of Hogwarts, and the Scourge of the Half-Blood Prince.

Words streamed through Hermione's head, like a recording that was being played, and she was unable to stop them. She could still think, and talk, but the sentences were constantly, subconsciously, conversing with her mind.

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The Half-Blood Prince had come to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry last year, which had been Harry's sixth. You see, Harry Potter was a wizard.

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No duh, Hermione thought maliciously. _The setups for these stories are so boring! What's Harry doing up there?_

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The Prince had come, offering peace and justice. He provided a bridge between Pure-Bloods, and Muggleborns, linking them together to fight the Dark Lord, Voldemort.

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Stupid name.

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But it was not to be. The Prince was a cohort of You-Know-Who's, aiding him in increasing a rift between the two blood dominions. He was discovered by Harry, along with his best friends Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger.

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I finally get noticed. She tapped her finger impatiently in the floor, waiting until the stupid monologue was over.

****

Harry smiled. Ron was his oldest friend in the wizarding world, and he was a the most purehearted friends around. The second youngest in a family of seven, Ron and his brothers, and their sister Ginny, were like Harry's family as well. His parents had been murdered by Voldemort when he was only a years old, and from that day on, he had been forced to lived at his Aunt and Uncle's house, with his horrid cousin Dudley.

His eyes scanned the small room he called his own, and rested on a pile of parchment in the corner. It was a potion's exam, assigned by his least favourite teacher, Professor Snape. Hermione would be able to help him with that, as she was the smartest witch in her year, and the natural choice for upcoming Head Girl.

"Ron and Hermione are the perfect friends," Harry mused wistfully, "and its so clear that they like each other."

GAK! Hermione bolted out from under the bed, livid.

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"I DO NOT LIKE HIM!"

Harry nearly fainted in shock. Hermione had just appeared, covered in dust, from under the very bed he had slept on! She thrust a finger in his face, and poked his nose.

"YOU, Harry Potter, are a BOY! Boys have no clue about girls! You have no right to even _think _I have a crush on Ron!"

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Stupid, stupid Harry she thought, shaking her head. _So easily misled by canon facts._

****

"What do you mean you don't like him?" Harry said, "And what are you doing here?"

That was the question, as she didn't normally show up in his bedroom fully dressed in rich robes and embroidered cloaks engulfing her like a tent. Frowning, she suddenly grabbed her breasts, then hips, and thighs.

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Omigod! I'm so tiny. Indeed all traces of pregnancies, age and leading the rich life had totally evaporated off her body like steam. She could get used to this.

****

Speechless, Harry just sat and watched. He thought it was just a girl thing to do. Hermione, on the other hand, had thrown off her cloak, and was rummaging through her robes, mumbling, "where is it, I knew I put it in here somewhere?"

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"All stories begin on Harry's birthday," she reasoned. _"If I can just find him a gift, I can say I'm birthday visiting."_

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She produced a box from one of her pockets, and handed it to him sheepishly. "Happy Birthday," she said "I had to hand deliver my present, because it's too suspicious to put through the mail."

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Sorry Millie. I'll get you something else.

****

Harry opened the silver-wrapped box. Inside was a book, of course. Hermione was grinning at him like it was made of chocolate.

"Open it," she urged. He flicked open the cover, and gasped. Inside was a fish tank, filled with the most exotic specimens he had ever seen, swimming and wriggling like they were real. Enthralled, he turned to the next page, and a luxurious cat jumped out at him, purring.

"If you turn the page, it'll disappear," she said, and he did. The cat disappeared in a puff of smoke, and was replaced by a cooing, furry fuzz ball that was treacle-coloured, and slightly slimy. The next page produced an irritable grey dog, and the next, a swearing hamster. Harry closed the book, and stared at Hermione.

"Where did you get this?" he asked her.

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My husband owns Obscurus Books.

****

"Um, mail order through France," she replied. "It's very rare."

"Wow, thanks!" he said, his eyes sparkling. "It's the coolest gift I've ever gotten!"

He motioned for her to sit down, and she did, gathering her discarded cloak around her. A small glint of silver caught the moonlight.

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Oh shit. It was too late.

****

Harry saw it, and squinted. "Hermione, is that a….?"

"No! NONONO! It isn't!" she blurted out, trying to hide it with her hand.

He frowned. "Isn't what?"

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My family insignia. Too late, she remembered all her cloaks were hand embroidered with the Malfoy Crest, which Harry already knew from Dobby's towel.

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"W-w-what you think it is!"

He had seen it before, printed on Dobby's tea towel uniform. There was no mistaking it.

"Hermione, why do you have the Malfoy Crest on your cloak?"

TBC

(okay, no real world this chapter, but certainly in the next one. Read, review, comment and flame [if you must!] Oh yeah,**PLUG!**_ check out my new story _The Malfoy Family Road Trip, _please!)_

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	5. Interference

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter

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Guide:

Hermione's POV (sorta, I don't know what you would call it)

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Hermione's Fic

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Thoughts

Chapter V-Interference

Just as Hermione marveled at the suddenness of that chapter break, another title made it's presence known in her brain, nearly knocking her over.

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Chapter 2- Hermione's Story

"I, uh….uh…" Hermione stuttered. "My story…..right…"

Harry raised an eyebrow. "So there's a story involved, is there?" He leant back on his bed, making himself comfortable. "Shoot."

"Well, it all started when I was reading a book," she began. He rolled his eyes.

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That's a reliable start. Hermione wracked her brain furiously for idea. _Why not tell him the "truth", Hermione? Just twist it a bit, make it seem like an adventure._

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"And the book I was reading was a story about you, and everyone at Hogwarts."

"WHAT?" Harry shot up from his pillows. "People KNOW? Everything?"

"But its not the same, you see. Actually," she frowned, "it's the same as here. Harry, I'm not really Hermione."

"Malfoy?" he asked, gaping.

She shook her head, frizzy brown curls going everywhere. "No. I AM Hermione, but not the one you know. I'm from a different, uh, universe."

"Universe?"

"DIMENSION! Yes, that's what you call it!"

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Ooohh, I see a storyline happening, she thought with excitement. Maybe this fanfic stuff was easier than she thought.

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"You're a Hermione from a different dimension. O-kay," Harry tried to wrap his brain around this new information. His hand was itching for his wand. His suspicious side kicked in, and he asked the million dollar question; "How do I know that you're the real Hermione?"

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Good question.

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She sighed, obviously very frustrated. "I'm NOT, Harry!"

"I know, you're Inter-Dimensional Hermione. But how do I know you're not a Death Eater or something?"

"Because I'm not! If I were a Death Eater, I would come up with something wittier to say!"

Harry pondered this, then protested, "But what if you _knew _that I would think that you weren't a Death Eater (because you would think of something wittier to say), and said it just so I would think that!"

"But what if I said that so you would think that?" Hermione's eyes sparkled, "Have you made up your mind yet?"

Harry squinted at her. "No, no not yet."

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Because Iocane comes from Australia, as everyone knows. Hermione was feeling the pressure to give some identification of herself. Aside from that, she was feeling slightly out of control of this story, it was rapidly progressing into mayhem.

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"It's me, Harry!" she blurted out. "Just accept it!"

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Accept it, idiot.

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"Ok."

Hermione was taken aback.

****

"Thank you!" she said. She sat down on the bed next to him, and began fingering the giant ring on her finger, a seemingly nervous habit. Harry gasped, his eyes widening.

"What is THAT?"

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Oh shit number two.

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"Just forget it," she commanded. "It'll all make sense I tell you what's happened."

"SO TELL ME!" Harry said, waving his hands about. Hermione rolled her eyes, and began;

OOOOOOOOOTBCOOOOOOOOOO

Draco laughed heartily at Harry's joke. "That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard, and I hung out with you for 7 years!"

Harry chuckled as well. "When Pansy first told it to me, I nearly strangled her. Gods, why can't I be a monk?"

The two were sitting in one of the Malfoys' many lounges, in front of a crackling fire, drinking Ougerbin's Oudious Firewhiskey. Harry was telling horrible jokes, some shaggy dogs, and witty anecdotes about his three children, Jade and Joaquin (2), and his and Pansy's newborn son, Arthur. Draco had just put Tommy and Katrine to bed.

"So," Draco said nervously, "Have you read the books or seen the movies that bear your given name?"

Harry's face instantly tightened. "No." He stared intently at Draco. "Have you?"

Draco reached under his chair and pulled out a rectangular case. Harry choked on his whiskey. "Which one is it?" he asked.

Draco grinned and continued to pull plastic cases out from under his seat. Harry's face kept getting purpler. After the seventh case, Draco threw up his hands. "That's it! Lets watch them all!":

Harry had to laugh at the child-like glee in his friend's face. "Have you saved them all to watch with me?"

"Well, I was going to watch them with Hermione, and invite everyone over, but since she's gone, I just wanted to watch them with you." He stood up and grasped Harry's neck in a tight headlock. "My bestest friend."

Harry smacked him upside the head, and wriggled out of his grasp. "You doorknob! You know I don't want to watch this……stuff!"

"I knoooow," Draco whined, "but movies are horrid to watch by oneself."

"Then read the books! You can read, right? You were head prefect!"

"They are soooooo Boring, Harry! I already read the first one."

Groaning, Harry rubbed his forehead. Draco took this as a good sign as he bent down in front of him and crooned, "I'll make you popcorn. A big bowl of popcorn, with barbeque crisps. Your favourite!"

"Sod off!" Harry yelled, but he was weakening. "Geez, you look like you want to marry me!"

"Heaven forbid," Draco sneered in disgust. "Hermione is much prettier."

They sat in silence. The old grandfather clock counted away the seconds until 9 o'clock.

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Tick

Tock

Tick

Tock

Bong, bong bong……

"Fine."

Draco squealed in glee.

Harry winced. "But only if you promise to _never _make that noise again!"

They walked down the hallway to the north den, Harry dragging his feet on the plush hunter green carpet. Draco paused at Hermione's closed office door, then with an evil smirk, pushed the door open.

"She hates turning on the damn thing, she usually just leaves it on all the time," he said, motioning to the computer which was emanating the familiar hum and bluish glow. Harry could read several pages of type on the screen, which was mostly about…._him?_

"Mione's hooked on Harry Potter," Draco said, "This is her own story, or fanfiction as they call them."

Harry laughed, in spite of himself. Draco sat down in his wife's comfy chair and began to type. "She's gonna kill me," he said, "but I gotta give this story some substance."

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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

A/N: sniffs I'm watching Listed's top 20 most tragic deaths in music. It's at #2, and I _know _#1 is John Lennon, so I'm not to choked about missing the end. sigh lets have a moment for Freddie Mercury (#6)……and Kurt Cobain (#2)

Okay…..review if you liked it, flame if you didn't. I'm off to go wipe my eyes and listen to _Nevermind._

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Lurvely Reviewers!

Corilyn: aww, poor cori. Thnx for reviewing

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Katie: Will do! :)

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Major issues 4 life: we got some "real world" interaction going on here.

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Wettlewash: I'll try not to throw everything in at once, and just build up the story a bit at a time, so I don't confuse people.

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Lucid-03-days: Thnx x2evil cackle I know, Isn't it funny? (Barry Trotter ROX!)

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Elfaghetti: hey you, don't mock me ;) UPDATE!

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T'Lorie: Oh, Harry hasn't seen anything yet……

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Lildaisygirl24: oh yes, Hogwarts will be a big adventure

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Torrid Flame: o yes, I am a BIG d/hr shipper!

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MysticalSpirits: THANX x3! (harry and ron were good friends….but not the best of friends)

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Fairyangel24: haha don't worry, I stink at writing reviews too! But its really the thought that counts.

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	6. Naughty by Nature

Disclaimer: I am not the owner of harry potter. Go away and play with your bunnies

This chapter is dedicated to W1cked Angel, the reviewer of the moment.

Chapter VI- Naughty by Nature

Hermione was thinking furiously now. She was never good at making up stories, that was usually Draco's job!

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Chapter 3- Wiener Dogs

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What kind of a stupid…**"It all started at the final supper…ceremony…thingy," Hermione began. She clapped her hands over her mouth in shock.**

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What am I saying? I didn't want to say that! I thought I was the one in control he…**Harry laughed like a stupid maniac. "Like omigod Hermione!" he squealed, "I thought you knew absolutely everything about Hogwarts! And you don't even know what the final ceremony is called." He giggled like a dhsjkfhajkdjhf damn fairy in a buuuuubble bath.**

Hermione shook her head and squinted at Harry's bedroom walls as they contracted and expanded like a balloon. _I feel like I'm in a Salvador Dali painting. _What was going on? She grabbed the pen around her neck and shook it a bit. _Stupid Weasley products. They always malfunction._ The room slowly went t back into focus, and she sighed in relief.

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Frowning, she grabbed Harry, who was now trying to lick his elbow.

The incredible urge to blurt out, "I wanna dance naked in a pool of chocolate sauce!" flew into Hermione's brain, but she suppressed it. Someone was having a bit too much fun here, and it definitely wasn't her.

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"Listen to me!" she screamed into his face. "I was telling you a story, remember?"

He instantly sat down on his bed. "So tell me."

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Finally!

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Hermione cleared her throat, and began;

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What the hell and I going to say, what the hell am I going to say, what the…..Her mouth flew open and said;

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"Well, at my Hogwarts, I was having a nice end of year supper with Harry, Ron, and Ginny. I was _sooooo_ sad about there being no more school, because I'm a bookworm and all, so I decided to go off to the _Astronomy Tower_ to go drown my sorrows."

Hermione hoped that the inflection of the words "Astronomy Tower" was just a coincidence. If not, she knew where this speech was heading.

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"Coincidence of coincidences, Draco Malfoy was there as well."

_Great. _Hermione willed her mouth to just shut right there, but it didn't work.

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"You see, in _my dimension_, not only is Draco Malfoy is the hottest living sod to walk the earth, but he is also kind, caring and generous as well."

"So it's like a mirror universe then?" Harry wisecracked.

Hermione was not amused. "Oh, very funny Harry. _As I was saying,_ this Draco Malfoy is unlike the guy in your world. He saw me in my angsty state, and comforted me. His hug turned to, well, something more."

"Oh gag."

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Well, no, not really. But I wouldn't actually share that stuff with Harry.

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Harry was now a sickly state of green. "You didn't…you know…."

She raised an eyebrow. "You do know what the Astronomy Tower is famous for, don't you?"

"Yes."

"Well," she paused dramatically, "We did. We made love right there on the hard stone floor."

Hermione cringed inwardly. Her mouth was developing a brain of it's own, and though that story was not _entirely _false, she still felt extremely guilty about abusing Harry's mind and imagination.

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"Okay…"

"Yes. That is how I ended up with this." She held up her left hand with the glittering diamond on it. "A couple of hours ago, I was rummaging through my husband's recent publications, and I discovered these _Harry Potter _books. I opened the sixth one, and I ended up….here."

"Okay."

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That made sense in a weird twisted way.

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"So what am I supposed to do with you now?" Harry asked, scratching his head.

Hermione suddenly felt her jaw relax, and nothing funny came out of her mouth.

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Hermione smiled. "Finally," she said, "You should take me to Hogwarts with you! I could meet all your friends."

Harry's eyes bulged open. "Hermione….Future Hermione, or whatever I should call you, do you think that there's _another_ Hermione running around?"

"I never actually thought of that," she said. "I suppose it would be kind of neat to meet myself. It's something most people never have the chance of do…..

OOOOOOOOOTBCOOOOOOOOOOO

"I'm hungry," Harry announced.

Draco groaned, and turned away from the computer. "Go make yourself something then, meatball, or go fetch Dobby."

"Drac-o," he moaned, "You can do this everyday. I thought you wanted to watch these movies."

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Draco jumped out of the chair. "Screw this," he said, quickly saving and shutting down the computer.

"I thought she hated having it shut down."

"I can always boot it up before she comes home." He excused. "Lets go watch us some movies."

Draco and Harry headed out the door, and down to the den. Dobby popped out of nowhere with a plate of nachos, and together the three of them sat down in the cozy couches.

"That was some program, or enchantment she has on that thing," Harry remarked, as Draco started up the movie. "It basically writes by itself."

"It has to be an enchantment," Draco mumbled, "If it was a program it would have gotten fucked up when you began screwing around with it." (a/n: too true)

"All I did was bump your elbow!" Harry protested. Draco just shook his head and tutted.

Dobby sat in the corner nervously, nibbling on his tortilla chip. Of course he wouldn't tell Master Draco what sort of enchantment was _really _going on. Doing that would mean confessing about reading Mistress Hermione's mail, something any good house elf would never dream of doing. But, of course, Dobby was not a good house elf. He was…..a _special_ one.

There was a knock, and Dobby jumped up to answer it. An entrance appeared in the wall next to the television, and opened without warning, throwing the tiny house-elf into the screen. It was…..

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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

A/N: YOU DECIDE! giggle Read and Review! (hint: Draco _turned off _the computer)

** __**

The Mod Squad

Elfaghetti: you lazy bugger! Update your story!

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The Nauti Dolphin: Oh, Draco interfering is definitely a good thing….Thanks x2 hands you a giant cookie

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Lildaisygirl24: they're about to watch….but who is at the door?

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Malfille: why on earth would you be the only one who likes Nirvana? They were too awesomely awesome to be ignored (DIE COURTNEY LOVE!) Have you read Heavier than Heaven? thumbs up hands you a bottle of bleach

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Startledsunshine: thank you very muchly

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Allie-Dee: our dear friend the Sex God might poke his nose in a bit more.

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MysticalSpirits: I hoped someone would pick that part up….harry is so fun to confuse ;)

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W1cked Angel: HAHAHAHA! You rock!

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Ridea: Gasp! You found out my secret!

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Major issues 4 life: dirty things are always nice.


	7. Intermission Pt1

Disclaimer: I dont own harry potter

Chapter VII- Intermission Part One

"Professors!" Harry greeted eagerly. Draco jumped up, and immediately embraced Steven Snape, his wife, Matilda, and their old Headmaster, Albert Bumblebee. (a/n: cracks up )

"Mr. Potter!" Snape exclaimed. "We had no idea you were here! Matilda and I were just by your house a few minutes ago, but no one was home."

"Pansy took the children out to the opera," Harry exclaimed, making a face. Draco laughed heartily.

"He doesn't understand operas."

"Well, I don't really either," Snape confided.

Matilda glanced at the case in Draco's hand, and gave a little shriek of horror. "Harry Potter?"

"Yes?" Harry answered.

Matilda waved him off, as he and Bumblebee broke into giggles. Draco grinned widely at his former professor, and asked, "Do you all want to stay and watch them? Dobby was just getting some crisps. Dobby?" He looked around for his elf, and groaned when he saw him nearly splattered all over the plasma television. "Never try to open the door, they always open it on their own!" he scolded.

Groaning, Dobby peeled himself off the flatscreen, and fell to the floor. "Dobby will keep that in mind, Master." He galumphed off to the kitchen, his squished foot making a soggy noise on the hardwood floor. Bumblebee winced.

"That will take at least a day to heal."

Draco rolled his eyes. "He's too dramatic."

"Better not let Hermione hear you say that," Snape said. "Not all of S.P.E.W was fictional."

Harry, Bumblebee and Matilda looked at him quizzically. "What's a spew?" Harry asked.

"Its what comes out of your mouth when you're sick!" Bumblebee explained. Draco shushed him, and gave Snape a calculating look.

"YOU read the Potter books?" he asked. Snape nodded.

"I felt it was my duty to know what the Author was writing about me," he defended. Then he turned the tables. "Have YOU read them?"

Four sets of eyes focused on Draco, who made a little 'pfft' noise. "No way. Hermione told me."

"Oh right," Snape said, shaking his head. "This is _Draco Malfoy _we're talking about."

Matilda had been furiously thinking for a few seconds. She turned to her husband, and asked him, "Is _that _what was in that box under our bed? Harry Potter books?"

He nodded. "What did you _think_ was in there?"

She turned bright purple. Draco snorted, Bumblebee giggled, and Harry gagged silently. Snape turned purple as well. "You thought I was looking at _porn?"_

"Crisps!" Dobby squeaked. Draco jumped up, glad that a suitable distraction had been found, and turned on the telly. The group settled down, except for Bumblebee, who burst into giggles every five seconds, and had to be smacked by Harry. Draco skipped past the previews, and soon a very ominous, tinkley music drifted from the speakers.

There was no going back now.

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O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O 

Almost three hours later, the credits began to roll, and the spell-like silence that had been cast over the group instantly broke.

"Man, I was a sexy first year!"

"What was going on with my hair?"

"I was _old_!"

"You were so old!"

"God, I didn't know I had so many hats!" giggle 

Dobby just sat in his beanbag, happily munching, though a bit peeved. He wasn't even in the movie! What an outrage! They didn't even mention the time he had made cookies when everyone was stricken with the flu! He was okay though, because he got to see the Headmaster wear funny hats, and be oblivious all the time!

"Good job idiot," he mumbled.

Draco looked up at the clock, and swore. "That was one long movie."

"Yeah," Harry agreed. "I think Pansy and the kids would be back by now."

"Oh, definitely," Matilda said. "There is no child alive that can stand almost three hours of the opera."

"Five hours," he corrected. "They left five hours ago."

Everyone winced. "Ouch."

"Knowing Pansy, they'll be there for ages," Draco groaned. "she was always into being cultured."

"Speaking of cultured," Snape interrupted, "we should go."

Matilda gave him a funny look, as did Harry and Draco. (Bumblebee was still giggling) "what does that have to do with being cultured?" she asked.

He shrugged. "Nothing really."

She smacked him over the head. "Silly!"

Harry and Draco exchanged looks. It was so gross when old people flirted.

Snape tapped Bumblebee on the shoulder. "Come on Albert, it's time for your meds." The three donned their cloaks, and with a quick wave, they were gone. The door them melted right back into the wall.

Harry flumped back down onto his chair. "I don't want to go home."

"It's only twelve," Draco commented. "You don't have to go yet."

They sat, and stared at the wall. What does one do at twelve, with a friend?

Then, Draco got a wicked idea. "Hey. Harryyyyy…."

Harry frowned. "What do you want now?"

Dobby shuddered at the evil/sadistic look on his master's face, and quietly sneaked off. Draco grinned. "Do you want to do something strange, kinky, youthful, stupid, and strangely liberating?"

"Not with you I don't."

"Aw, c'mon," he whined. "I wanted to try it for ages, but Hermione doesn't want to. Please…..You're my best friend…"

"You're very pretty, Draco, but I have a wife."

He hesitated. "Ew."

Harry smiled. "Yeah. I don't want to have sex with you."

Draco shook his head vigorously. "NO! Just come with me, ok?"

Harry followed his friend, as he walked down the hall, and into Hermione's office again. Booting up the computer, Draco explained, "I just want to have a peek. I've been very curious since Hermione mentioned it to me, and I suppose that you're the best person to see it with." He paused. "Or the worst. I haven't quite figured it out yet."

Harry pulled up a spare chair, as Draco sat down in the rolly one, and began typing. As he typed, he asked, "So, have you ever heard of Slash before?"

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O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O 

MWAHAHAHA! I am SO looking forward to the next chapter! I'm practically salivating here!

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The League of Extraordinary Gentlereviewers _(peanut butter cookies this chapter)_

Fairyangel24: yes…you are right hands you featherduster 

MysticalSpirits: i…know…they…are…addictive

Plucky: I feel honoured to have your faith in me :)

Dibs: You gave me the fab idea for the next chapter. You're wonderful. Have a cookie.

The Nauti Dolphin: all my cookies are home made

Torrid Flame: just be patient

Miranda G. Potter: I'm glad you liked readin all five chapters, I personally find my stories boring :S

Ridea: I think you got the idea

Elfaghetti: butthead j.k. ;)


	8. Intermission Pt2 Peep Show

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Disclaimer: I don't own harry potter

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Chapter VIII- Intermission Part Two (Peep Show) -giggles evilly-

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(just a quick note. I LOVE THIS CHAPTER!!!!! I was eating Smarties ™ whilst writing it, so watch out!)

There was black. EVERYWHERE! Hermione couldn't even see her hands as she held them in front of her face, nearly touching her nose. She had been cut off, right in the middle of her sentence by some big black thingy, that had enveloped Harry and his room in thick, oily fog, and then she had been transported here, to the land of Black. There seemed to be a floor, but no walls, just a flat, endless expanse.

She couldn't keep track of time. As the hours passed, she took a little nap, pondered things, and even sang a bit. Once, she thought of Apparating, but it was no use.

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Like running into a brick wall, she mused.

After what felt like a few hours, it began to get brighter. Hermione jumped up, ready for the story to resume, but it never happened. The area around her just went from black to….white.

"AUGH!" she screamed, totally annoyed out of her brain. More mindless hours of staring into nothing, and this time, it wasn't even dark enough to sleep! Then, what felt like a tiny weight lifted off her shoulders, and the sudden urge to Apparate flew into her brain.

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It can't get any worse than this, she thought, and Apparated. This time she felt the familiar out of body experience, and opened her eyes.

"Oh….boy…"

****

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''TBC''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

"So, let me get this straight (pardon the pun)," Harry asked, his face already beet red from embarrassment. "They have stories where you and I are boyfriend and……boyfriend?"

"You bet your balls, Potter," Draco said, navigating expertly through Hermione's ancient Windows Explorer. "Though its not really us, you know. No one would want to see _us_ having sex."

"They make us have _sex_?" Harry choked out. Draco nodded calmly.

"Sure they do."

Outside, Draco was Mr. Cool, but inside his stomach was flip-flopping. Sure, Hermione had told him all about the slashy stuff, but he had never pre-read anything for himself. What if Harry couldn't handle it? What if _he _couldn't handle it?

Harry was babbling now. "…and I know you grew up with this sort of thing, but I was an orphan! I didn't have access to…uh…stuff like you did."

"Harry, Harry, just because my father was into S&M doesn't mean I fooled around with it! I mean, who really wants to put their nuts into a vice and tighten it?"

"Aooough!"

Harry was purple now, with a painful expression on his face. Draco laughed at him, and selected the right characters and, ahem, _rating_ on the screen.

R, of course.

"Shouldn't we start off with PG, at least?" Harry protested, desperation in his voice. "You know, baby steps?"

"Tut tut, Harry. Baby steps are for Yellow House members. You're a Red, remember?" Draco selected a title that looked nice and juicy, and poised his cursor delicately over it. "Hm. Should I, or shouldn't I?"

Inside, his heart was racing furiously. He glanced over at Harry, who had regressed back to pink. He nodded.

__

Never thought you had it in you.

Licking his lips, he pressed the button. Harry slid his seat up closer, and they both read.

__

Whoa.

****

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Hermione jumped. It was _cold_! She was in a…dungeon, it seemed, from the chains and things hanging from the walls. She could smell smoke, and blood, and other unpleasant things in the air, and when she turned, she saw a whole set of whips, sleek and black, hanging on the wall. She really didn't want to know what those were for.

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I take it back. I like the white place better. She tried to Apparate, but again she got the "wall" effect. She was trapped. In the dungeon from hell.

The door creaked open and in walked a greasy, dingy version of Professor Snape. He had a tarnished silver tray, and on it was a small jar of oil, and a…dagger.

He couldn't see her, that she was thankful for that. Imagine being caught in a den of sin, and having to explain yourself! Snape placed the tray on the floor, then called out, "Bring him in."

Three masked men came in, dragging a bound, bloody, and furiously fighting…Harry?

__

Oh no. Hermione saw instantly where this was going, and she couldn't watch. But it was like a train wreck, it kept her standing there, riveted, eyes peeled for details.

The men chained Harry up against the wall, then left, leaving him there panting. Hermione couldn't help but notice the rather large…feet he had, which she was sure weren't normal.

The door creaked open, and in walked none other than her husband.

__

Yeek! Harry plus Draco equals trouble, even in real life! In fanfics…. she didn't even want to think about it.

"Miss me…Potter?"

Draco, dressed only in leather chaps, slowly walked over towards where Harry was hanging.

__

Yummy. Hermione mentally slapped herself. She didn't need to indulge in leather fantasies, she was _married_ to the guy, for tuna's sake! If she wanted to see him in chaps, she could just buy him a pair, not watch him boink her friend!

__

Buy him a pair. Good idea, Hermione. Yum yum.

Draco had now pulled out the dagger, and was tracing little curlicues on Harry's back with its dangerously sharp point. As Harry gave a sort of screaming moan, Hermione could almost feel her pupils dilate.

__

Now I know why this ship is so popular. She thought with a shiver. She was quickly pulled out of her musings when Draco began to do amazing things with his….fingers. Things she had never seen done with fingers.

"Ohhhhh…." Harry groaned, pulling against the chains that attached him to the wall. Hermione squeezed her eyes shut like lightning, but even with her fingers in her ears, she could still hear the screams.

__

Please. Make it stop.

****

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''TBC'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

There was silence in the office.

__

Cough.

Draco could almost feel his blood boil beneath his transparent skin, and not because he was…ugh. This little piece of _literature_ was making him feel even more embarrassed than the time he had walked into the den and dropped his towel, only to find out that what Hermione meant by 'a special night' was having all the old Academy alum over for a pie social.

Speaking of which…

Harry cleared his throat. "You remember that pie thing?" Draco nodded. Harry turned over to his friend, purple as a plum, and choked out, "y'know, I've seen…it….and it's definitely not, uh," He read off the screen, "'wide and rigid'."

Draco made a face that could only be described as 'trying to eat three rotten hamburgers at once'. "Honestly, who _really_ asked you to comment about that?"

"I have a right to know," Harry snorted, obviously holding back laughter, "I am your lover after all."

Draco gave Harry the most incredulously disgusted look in the world. Harry was about to give him a little smack, but suddenly stopped in mid-swing. Draco glanced at his hand in horror.

Harry stared at Draco.

Draco stared at Harry.

Harry turned white, and whispered, "Are we actually acting like….?"

"SHUT UP!"

'''''''''''''''''

A/N: HAHAHAHA this chapter cracked me up! -giggles madly like Bumblebee- Did it crack you up? Please tell me, I lurve feedback!

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The Fast and the Fabulous(some yummy lemon cookies to all! I'm in a good mood!)

**Christine:** I've never actually been to an HP convention, but I would imagine that they're spectacular

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lildaisygirl24: the door seems to be a point of majour confusion. It's a magical door, that appears wherever Draco is situated, so he doesn't have to go running across the house to open it

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MysticalSpirits: I love you. Will you marry me?

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Dibs: I love my dear bumblebee too…he's kind of how I pictured dumbledore….brilliant, but crazy

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Miranda G. Potter: I suppose this chapter answered your question

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Silver Hanyou: sorry…..i made them read it…it was too good to resist

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FriesWithThat: I love your name! My home is kind of Alp-like…its cold, and white for eight months of the year. But I hate skiing.

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Elfaghetti: o thanks…you rock too


	9. All Good Things

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry potter. But, I do own the title, "Harry Potter and the Halfblood formerly known as Prince." If you steal it without permission, I will KEEL you!

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Chapter IX- All Good Things….

"Well…"

"Yeah…"

"That was…interesting."

Draco stared at the screen, where the 'fanfiction' was still situated. He hadn't gone to the next chapter yet, but looking at the face the Harry had, he wasn't sure if more would be appreciated.

Harry wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. "Well…was that what you were expecting?"

Draco faced Harry with a giant grin . "No," his friend replied. "It was better!"

"You sick…sick person!" he sputtered. "What would your wife say if she could see you now?"

Draco shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe 'Hey sexy, what's your sign?' or something."

"_What_?"

"It's one in the morning, don't expect me to come up with something witty and humourous now."

Glancing at his watch, Harry swore dramatically. "I think I should be heading home," he announced, heading out the door of the office. "I'll see you tomorrow or something."

"Maybe we can convince Crabbe and Goyle to baby-sit the kids," Draco suggested. "We could all head out for supper and a movie. Like old times, y'know?"

Harry shook his head. "I don't know. Last time we dropped the twins off with them, we got them back slightly high, with dirt in their mouths. And I think Tommy is too old now, I mean, what would his teachers say if he came to class raving about having centaurs baby-sit him?"

"We could Disillusion them," Draco said, "Or Memory Charm him."

"Enchant your own children?" Harry, being an old soul, didn't like the idea of casting spells on his own flesh and blood. However, in Draco's childhood, he knew his parents weren't above knocking him out with magic when a certain Dark Wizard came around for tea.

"It's not like they'd remember anything! Besides, you wouldn't have to enchant yours, both the twins, and Arthur won't remember a thing when you get them back."

Harry shook his head. "I don't know, Draco. I heard somewhere that enchanting young children makes them impotent."

"No way!" Draco stood up on display. "My parents hexed me five times a day, and I'm still okay!"

"Yeagh." Harry covered his eyes, and backed out the door. "After reading that stuff, I don't want to see you strike that pose."

"Oh."

Draco clapped his hands twice, and Dobby came running out of no where, holding Harry's cloak out for him. He took it, and headed down the hall, Draco following him.

At the door, Harry put on his cloak, and turned to the blonde wizard. "Promise me one thing," he intoned, pointing a menacing finger. "_Never _tell Pansy anything about me reading….that stuff with you."

"You mean the gay wizard porn?" Draco asked innocently, provoking Harry to run outside and slam the door.

"IT WAS NOT GAY WIZARD PORN!"

Draco chuckled to himself, then gave a gigantic yawn. "Dobby, could you please turn off the computer?" he asked. "I'm going to bed."

Then he walked off to his bedroom. Unbeknownst to him, Dobby was already running down the hall to the office, as fast as his little feet could carry him.

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Gay wizard porn!?!?

****

['][;][,]['][;][,]['][;][,]['][;][,]['][;][,]['][;][,]['][;][,]['][;][,]['][;][,]['][;][,]['][;][,]['][,]['][;][,]['][;][,][']

Hermione supposed it was okay to look now, after all the moaning and screaming stopped. She edged open one of her eyes, and saw that the two male lovers had stopped their, er, activities, and were just holding on to each other, and panting. Trying to be quiet, even though they couldn't hear her, she snuck out the gates of the 'love cell' and headed down the dingy hallway. She ran a bit faster as she heard Harry and Draco begin their fun again, and ran right into…Ginny?

But this was no 'book' Ginny. This was real life, Ginny MacNeil-Weasley, with short auburn hair, and hazel eyes. Just….younger.

"Hermione!" she screamed, embracing her friend. "Omigod, I'm so glad you found me! I was so worried!"

"Ginny? What are you talking about?" Hermione asked, confused as hell. "I thought you were back home with my kids!"

Ginny's face fell. "I was just trying out this new thing that Fred gave me." Guiltily, she pulled a long chain out from inside her tatty robes, revealing…a _Weasley Writing Wizard!_

"Fred said that it helps with writing mostly, but you can also explore stories with it," she explained. "I wanted to help you with your story, but when I put this thing on, I didn't know where I wanted to go. I got transported to some old lady's house, with a bunch of cats." She shuddered. "It took me ages to get here."

Hermione pulled an identical one from out under her robes. "Maybe they're attracted to one another," Ginny mused. "Because I felt a weird urge to come down to the dungeons, and I know that's not normal!"

"I just ended up here," Hermione explained. "I was in Harry's house for a bit, and we were talking, and my story was getting along, and then I got sent to this weird black place!"

"I haven't been there," Ginny said. "The lady I ended up with was a witch, I think. She kept cursing about 'dad-gummed wizards' popping out of no where, and beat me out of her house with a plastic broom."

"Maybe there's more people with these pen things. We should ask Fred how many he gave out."

Ginny shook her head furiously. "Hermione! You don't get why I'm so worked up?"

Hermione shrugged. "No. I think these things are wonderful."

"Hermione," Ginny said seriously. "I tried taking off the pen, but the only thing that happens is that I can't do this."

****

Ginny motioned around her with her hands.

"So…what you're saying is that the pen only controls the story-writing?" Hermione asked, her voice going panicky.

"Yes." Ginny said. "I don't think there's a way to get out of here."

****

['][;][,]['][;][,]['][;][,]['][;][,]['][;][,]['][;][,]['][;][,]TBC['][;][,]['][;][,]['][;][,]['][;][,]['][,]['][;][,]['][;][,]

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(a/n: I'm going to stop right here, because I need a good opener still for the next chapter, which is…..CHAPTER TEN! And….i'm almost at my 100th review! :) How about…whoever is the 100th reviewer gets a cameo in the upcoming chapter….hows that?)

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Coolicious Carbon-Based Life Forms_(y'all like black and white cookies? -throws them like Frisbees-)_

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FriesWithThat: I'm sorry to say that I have never been to a laughing party…but I can see how listening to William Hung would make that chapter better…I was listening to TaTu….-_cringes-_

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Elfaghetti: I did, I did…..AND I HAD FUN DOING IT! (but no, I'm not going all Harry/Draco)

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Miranda G. Potter: I felt so sorry for Hermione when I wrote this chapter…but yet I didn't. I mean, how can you feel sorry for someone who has sex with Draco Malfoy on a regular basis?

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Plucky: I loved that part too!!! EEEE!

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lildaisygirl24: that's okay, I'm blonde in both definitions of the word. I can never remember the word "window"

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Siria: that is the most disturbing thing I have ever heard…but that's cool :)

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MysticalSpirits: I'll be sure to update sooner so that I may be graced with your funny reviews

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T'Lorie: _-hands you a kleenex- _ those are happy tears, right?

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major issues 4 life: I could see them readin it too, while I was writing it. it was very scary

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Draco's Little Mudblood: I LOVE your name! Yeah, you told me bout that, tough luck, eh?

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wingless87: I love that you love it!


	10. The Big X

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter

This Chapter is dedicated to HORNY-COTTER!!!!! For being my 100th reviewer!!!!!!!

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Chapter X: The Big 'X'

It was a dark and stormy night. Thunder banged and lightning cracked, and somewhere in the middle of London, a limousine stopped.

Four men, dressed all in black, stepped out of the vehicle, and held up umbrellas for the fifth. A tall, handsome, sharply dressed man in a pinstriped suit sidled out of the limo, and together, he and his entourage walked right into a large mural of seven synchronized swimmers.

This man was the Dark Lord himself, Lord Dimitrius, a.k.a. Donald Grigg. Why the limo, obvious wealth, and umbrella carriers, you ask? Because, lets face it, these days it just doesn't cut it to take over the world by _only _being supremely evil. One has to have money, business, looks, and power to back oneself up as well. Dimitrius had all that, _and _he had a supremely evil European name to boot. Suffice it to say, he was back, and no one could stop him now.

The mural was a face to the opening of the World's Largest Wizard's Emporium, or WLWE for short. Except for the funny names, this place was exactly as described in those dratted books, down to the little man with his ice cream shop on the corner. At this time of night, most shops were closed, but still there was a light in the window of a store supposed to be closed.

__

Bing!

Dimitrius, and his four umbrella carriers, entered the tiny shop. The keeper, a tall man, was busying himself in the shadows, with something that looked like a pen.

"Weasley."

"I'm very sorry, sir, but we are closed for tonight," the man mumbled. "Maybe come back tomorrow?"

The Dark Lord stepped up to the shopkeeper's display, and gently leant onto the glass. The keeper snapped his head up from his work, and scolded, "Please, sir, don't lean on the gla……"

"Yes, Weasley?"

The gangly redhead blanched a sickly white. "M'Lord."

Dimitrius snapped his fingers, and the door _bing_-ed open. A tall woman in a long white coat, and wild hair stepped into the little joke shop, and stood next to him. "Weasley, this is Dr. VanHorny. Doctor, this is Mr. Fred Weasley, the proprietor of this fine store."

The doctor extended a small gloved hand, which Fred shook gingerly. "Pleased to meet you, Miss."

"Likewise," she replied, in a slightly drawling Canadian accent.

"Miss VanHorny has come to oversee your little experiments, Weasley," his lord explained. "You see, your pace has been decidedly slow over the past month. I wish to see a bit more progress, after all, I am paying you a substantial amount."

"_Twice _as much as that little Author paid me," Fred muttered sourly. "Even after she made me twins."

Dimitrius rolled his eyes impatiently, and began to head out the door. "Remember Weasley," he scolded. "I want Harry Potter, and his little friends out of the way by the fifteenth. No exceptions."

Fred nodded. The Dark Lord winked at Dr. VanHorny, then walked out he door.

****

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"_Hold please."_

Draco bit his lip in worry. Both Ginny and Hermione had been gone for three days now, Ginny without notice. He hoped his wife knew where on Earth she had gone, as Ron was now sick with worry. He had researched Canadian Harry Potter conventions, and found one going on this weekend. Phoning them would cost a fortune, but since when was money really a worry?

There was a shuffle on the other side of the line.

__

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this Olivia?"

__

"Yes. May I help you?"

He crossed his fingers. "My name is Dorian McIssac. I was wondering if my wife Helen was there?"

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Shuffle shuffle. "I'm sorry, but there is no one here registered under that name."

Damn. "Um, okay. Thank you."

__

"No problem. Bye."

He hung up the phone, a horrid sinking feeling in his stomach. Where the hell was she? He had tried her parent's house, Ron's place, Harry's, and had even trudged over to the forest to check if she was with Crabbe and Goyle. The library was closed, so that wasn't even an option.

The last place to check also happened to be the busiest. The Academy of Magical Unity and Wellbeing was being readied for the premiere of the 7-boxed set _Harry Potter _movies (the building was being billed as a 'shooting location'.) and was positively swarming with photographers, and set dressers. Draco would have to cart his entire family over there to be able to talk to Bumblebee, who was very mad, and morbidly afraid of telephones.

Disguises, however, would not be an issue. The Academy was filled to the brim with _Harry_ freaks of all shapes and sizes. Why, even Dobby would be able to walk around unbothered.

__

Why not take advantage of that? he thought. "DOBBY!"

His little house elf tottered over, looking flustered and hot. "Dobby? What happened to you?"

"Dobby has been…in the laundry," he said timidly. Draco gave him a weird look, then continued.

"Get the Katrine packed up," he commanded. "I'm taking Tommy out of school, and then we're heading to the Academy."

['][;][.]['][;][.]['][;][.]['][;][.]['][;][.]['][;][.]['][;][.]['][;][.]['][;][.]['][;][.]['][;][.]['][;][.]['][;][.]['][;][.]

Ginny and Hermione crept along the floor of the castle, not knowing if they could be seen, or heard. The demented cat, Mrs. Norris, had sniffed at them a few times, but no one had passed by them in the corridors.

Suddenly, the castle gave a giant lurch, and began to spin. Hermione grabbed on to Ginny for support, and the two tumbled into a dark clearing, surrounded by tall wizards in long, hooded black cloaks. The tallest stepped forward, and announced;

"Welcome, Miss Granger, Weasley. We've been expecting you…"

He pulled back his hood, revealing…_Neville Longbottom?!?_

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['][;][.]['][;][.]['][;][.]['][;][.]['][;][.]['][;][.]['TBC][.]['][;][.]['][;][.]['][;][.]['][;][.]['][;][.]['][;][.]['][;][.]

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a/n: what the heck is Neville doing there???? I don't even know yet, so if you have any ideas, please suggest them!

I'm sorry, this chapter was too short…..

Oh yes, I need people to be in the Official Dobby Fanclub™ for the next chapter, so if you want to, tell me in your review, and state what you want your name to be!

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The Best Reviewers in the Whole Entire Ginormous Universe! (YAY! BIG MONSTER COOKIES FOR EVERYONE!)

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Miranda G. Potter: Dobby has his own special reason for keeping the computer on….

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lildaisygirl24: I hope I find a way for them to get out soon.

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majorissues4life: I hope to add the Weasleys in a bit more (would the plural of Weasleys be Weaslies?)

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The Nauti Dolphin: Harry and Draco will never be the same again. THX x3 Hope you had fun in DC!

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MysticalSpirits: OMG! Are you sure you're ok? I don't want you to give me the evil fudge :O

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Invisible Voice: uh, I hope this is soon enough

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FallingWithGhosts:

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CountingCodfish: Thank you! I lurve Dobby (my Dobby, not the real one)

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Elfaghetti: you rawk too

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wingless87: I think Harry is in denial. Being married to Pansy can do that to a man.

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thepainter: YAY for Gay Wizard Porn!

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T'Lorie: I love reading HP babysitting stories!

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Horny-Cotter: Guess who Dr. VanHorny is? HEHEHE!!!!! (I was going to make you a Canadian HP convention organizer, but that wasn't as interesting.)

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FriesWithThat: I have no idea how you managed to review twice for one chapter. Of course you can be Dobby's fangirl!

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SinfulColours: I feel so honoured that you like it, and don't even ship the ship.


	11. Window Stalkers and Final Fantasies

Disclaimer: I don't own harry potter. But, I own MY dobby™ (not to be confused with Canon Dobby. MY dobby™ is naughtier)

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Chapter XI- Window Stalkers and Final Fantasies

Fred Weasley was sweating profusely in his little shop, Dr. VanHorny watching him the entire time. He kept flashing her nervous glances every five seconds, until finally, she spoke up.

"Why do you keep staring at me like that? I'm not going to trash your shop."

He blushed, and returned to his work. "I was just, well, I've never met a Canadian before."

She rolled her eyes at him. "Well, now you have. Good for you."

They sat in silence for a while, the doctor coming over to check up on him every couple seconds. Constructing the _Writing Wizards _took time, and the supply of three that Fred had stockpiled was already being used. VanHorny sat in the corner, chewing on a long plastic nail, and asked, "How long does it take you to make these?"

He looked up, weariness and fatigue written all over his face. "The last three took me almost a month to do."

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Gacgchhh!

She choked violently on her plastic nail, which had become lodged in her throat. Fred jumped up, and assisted her in fishing it out.

"Are you okay?"

She waved it off, and straightened herself up on her stool. "I'm fine. Did you say _a month_?" He nodded. "_Shit_," she swore. "Dimitrius needs them by next week."

"Well poor Dimitrius," Fred muttered. "It takes time to make these things. I'll have three done in two weeks minimum."

"So, when will you get this one done?" VanHorny asked, rummaging around his things. He grabbed her hand.

"Don't. What are you looking for?"

She motioned to her loose nail. "I need some glue."

He fished some Krazy Glue™ out of the box, and she took it gratefully. "I've been working on this one for a few days. It should be ready tomorrow."

"Good." The doctor stuck the nail back on to her finger. "Dimitrius should be around this time tomorrow to pick it up."

"Dimitrius, is it?" Fred said slyly. She turned towards him, a bored look all over her face.

"Yes. That is his name, isn't it?"

"Of course." He went back to his pen. Dr. VanHorny gave him a weird look, then returned to picking her nails.

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(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())

Dobby walked nervously around the grand, old castle of magic and mystery. It had been a whirlwind of a trip, what with two young kids, and a frantic Draco Malfoy. The old house elf was glad to get away. He gave a rather squeaky sigh, and stared out the window. Many pairs of googly eyes stared back.

"EEEEK!"

The google eyes instantly disappeared, and there was a blurr of colour behind the glass. Dobby just had time to catch his breath before an entire gaggle of girls ran up to him, sunglasses on head, and notebooks in hand. A tall, blonde-haired one crept up to him, and asked in a hushed voice, "Are you the guy who plays Dobby?"

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Master Draco is right. They are all nutters here. Dobby scowled at the girls, but that only seemed to encourage them.

"Omigod, he's so cute!"

"Look at his floppy ears!"

"I wonder how old he is?"

"Would you like a brownie?"

One of the girls was holding up a large tray filled with, yes indeed, dark, gooey chocolate brownies. Dobby felt his mouth water, he hadn't seen brownies like that in years. Mistress Hermione insisted that all snacks in the house be sugar-free, and the sweet treats that Master Draco managed to smuggle in were indulged by him, or his children.

Quick as a wink, the brownies were off of the plate, and into his mouth. The girls 'ooed' and 'aahed' and were fawning over him every second. As soon as the brownies were gone, he was being shooed off by a girl named Tina to a room positively reeking of chocolate, whilst two sweeties named Abby and Jessica sat him onto a chair covered in squashy pillows.

"I'm Helga Von Benz," another said, offering him her hand. He kissed it, like her saw his Master do, and she practically swooned in ecstasy. "This is my friend Stardust Faerie." The girl next to her offered her hand, which he kissed.

"Dobby finds Stardust's name very unusual," he purred. She blushed.

"My parents were, uh, hippies," she stammered, starstruck. Another sweetheart named T'Lorie held up a giant hand painted sign, and proclaimed, "We're the Official Dobby Fanclub™!"

The little house elf was practically salivating. A fanclub? He had fangirls? What a dream come true.

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(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())

"Neville," Hermione squeaked. The hooded boy laughed diabolically.

"Yes, Hermione? Or should I say Her-MINE?"

The circle of men around him chuckled darkly. Ginny stood up on the wet grass, and faced him fiercely. "What do you want with us?"

Neville laughed again, a strange, unnatural glint in his eye. "My dear Ginny, I am so glad you asked." He removed his robes to reveal only a pair of blood red briefs. "First, I want you two to take off your clothes. No wait, take off each other's clothes!" He gurgled evilly. "Then, I want you to take a jar of pickles, and open it with your thighs. You and Hermione will spread the juice all over your bodies, and all over mine, and then we will…chew sugarless gum."

The two women stared at him blankly. "Chew sugarless gum?" Hermione choked. Neville nodded eagerly.

"Well, what are you waiting for? Get on with it!"

"No!" Ginny protested. "That's stupid!"

He shook his head. "Then I'm afraid we will have to do this the hard way. HENRICH!"

One of the darkly hooded men brought forward a huge white pussycat, which Neville took, and began to stroke. The cat purred darkly, and began batting at a pendant around his master's neck.

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Is that a…Ginny thought. Neville gave a satanic giggle, and screamed, "BRING ME THE WHIPS!"

"Neville, you little scum!" she laughed. "Is this your sick fantasy, or something?"

Neville looked up at her, his diabolical grin slowly fading. "Why do you ask?"

"Because you have a _Weasley Writing Wizard_ hung around your neck!"

(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(TBC(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())

(an: Silly Neville. And I thought he had gone evil on us! Oh, guess what? I've already written the ending to this story!!!! Yay! But I am still open to suggestions)

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The Voices ( I will heed MysticalSpirits's idea, and hand out…ICE CREAM SANDWICHES!!!! YAY!)

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Horny Cotter: I love you too…I read your profile, just to check and see if you were a girl

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T'Lorie: are you a Vulcan? Vulcans rock. Anyway, I thought about doing a Draco fan club, but there's already so many. Hmmm…I wonder if JKR reads slash fics?

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Siria: I liked the Von Benz one better, as you now know…I'm a bit partial to Vans and Vons, because I am one :)

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wingless87: I didn't expect Neville either, and that was my problem.

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Pandora's Sorrow: your idea was the best…I love cats, and sugarless gum

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MysticalSpirits: I put the pickles in for you…thanks for the tip about the frisbee cookies, I didn't know that the cyber travel affected them like that.

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The Nauti Dolphin: no drunken orgies, this is PG-13. I think the kids were being taken care of by Ron, though I'm really not sure

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Invisible Voice: it is quite easy to update frequently when one has nothing else to do…I actually wrote this three days ago, and just finished writing the final chapter.

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Elfaghetti: uh, no :P

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tina: dobby and his hobby? Hm, I just got an idea for my other story. Thanks!

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CountingCodfish: Is that pronounced 'warpd-ness' or 'war-ped-ness'?

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FriesWithThat: don't blame poor Neville….he was just fantasizing…

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lildaisygirl24: eeew! No, Neville does not get love slaves! Oh….well…maybe…


	12. Pickled Prospects

Disclaimer: I don't own harry potter

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Chapter XII- Pickled Prospects

"Neville…" Ginny started, but was cut off by one of the man himself.

"Tut tut, Ginny, get started. There's no time to waste!"

Hermione yanked her own _Writing Wizard _ out from under her robes, and waved it in his face. "We know you have one, and we know what they are," she spat. "Just stop it with this 'I'm evil, wash my socks' thing!"

"Wash my….what?" Neville frowned. He shook his head, and his evil minions, fluffy cat, and jar of pickle juice disappeared. "You guys are no fun."

"You think its FUN to smell like pickles?" Ginny screamed. He shrugged.

"I don't know, I've never tried it."

Hermione groaned. "I think common sense would tell you that it's a BAD idea. Honestly, pickles aren't exactly perfume."

Neville rolled his eyes. "Thanks for telling me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd best be off. Ta ta!"

He gave a little wave, and pulled off the _Writing Wizard._ Nothing, of course, happened.

Hermione and Ginny chuckled happily, while Neville fumbled around with the finicky little pen. Seeing the so called 'evil master' bested by a writing instrument was very amusing to the two trapped women. Indeed, being trapped in a pseudo-alternate universe for a while can do that to people.

His face looked up in realization. "We're trapped, aren't we?"

Ginny rolled her eyes. "Bingo."

"But Fred promised me it would work!" he whined, suddenly de-aging into a three year old. "He said I would have fun! I would forget my job!"

Neville worked as a sanitation director for a Nestle chocolate factory. His job was to clean everything pristinely, top to bottom, in preparation for the candy.

"Oh, come off it!" Hermione scolded. "It did what he told you it would! It worked perfectly, and you had your fun!"

"It was your fault you blew your royalties anyway," Ginny mumbled. Hermione elbowed her in the stomach, and she choked.

"Shut it," she hissed. He looked at the two of them, his lip trembling. It was about to start.

It was starting.

It happened.

Huge, wet, sloppy tears fell from his eyes, and began to soak into his robes. Big throaty sobs made their way up from his chest. Hermione and Ginny cringed.

"Um."

What to do now?

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(()(()))(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(()(()))(())(())TBC(())(())(())(()(()(()))(())(())(())(())(())(())(()))

"Bwah wa sha du haha la!"

Little Katrine Malfoy was all alone in the middle of a castle. Her babysitter, the amorous and horny house-elf Dobby, had run off with his fangirls, leaving her. She didn't like that, but then again, she didn't really like him anyway.

A teenage girl ran down the hall, then turned, and stared at the petite toddler. Katrine was very afraid. This girl had glaring red hair, and little crayon-drawn freckles all over her face. Much to her babyish dismay, the scary girl picked her up in a vice like grip.

"OOOOO, you widdle cute-poo! You widdle cutie wootie poo!"

Just then, even more girls came rumbling down the hall, all of them redheaded. Katrine's eyes flew open, and she gave out a little wail of fear.

"Oooooo, aren't you just the sweetest thing? Aren't you? Aren't you?"

So many fingers scared the poor baby, and she crapped herself.

Literally.

"OUGH, baby!"

"You take her!"

The girls began to play a little game of 'Baby Hot Potato', passing the smirking girl around as fast as they could. One of the girls gasped, and the game stopped.

At that moment, Draco himself walked around the corner, just in time to hear the gasping fangirl say;

"Did you see that smirk? She looks just like a little Draco/Ginny lovechild."

"Ooooo!"

He felt his lunch rise up from his stomach. "A _what?_"

The gaggle of girls shrieked loudly, and finally saw him. He took Katrine from them, and she cooed happily, batting at his hair.

He motioned to her rosy cheeks. "Do you see any freckles?" he practically screamed. They shook their heads no. "She's not a Draco/Ginny lovechild! That's just….._wrong!_"

The scared little Ginny fangirls stared at him, blanched white, as he stormed off.

"He looks like Draco Malfoy."

Draco rolled his eyes, and yelled, "No WAY!"

He turned the corner, fuming.

"Stupid little dip! Idiot of an elf! When I get my hands on him, I'll…..AUGH!"

He had forgotten one little thing in his hurry to find his daughter.

His son!

****

(()(()))(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(()(()))(())(()TBC))(())(())(()(()(()))(())(())(())

"It is almost finished, my master."

"Excellent. When I finally reach them, I will have all the leverage necessary to trap Harry Potter right where he stands! It is perfect! The world will be mine!"

Evil snicker.

"Don't forget the money she'll pay us."

"Oh, right. That silly little Author will have her story, and you will have your money. The world will be free of Harry Potter, and all his little friends!"

"Could it get any more perfect than that?"

"Finally, Weasley, you see my point. We are unstoppable!"

Lord Dimitrius threw back his head, and laughed, as only evil geniuses do.

The alley shook.

"MUAH! MUAHAHAH! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

****

(()(()))(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(()(()))((TBC)(())(())(())(())(()(()(()))(())(())(())(())(())(())

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an: there you have it! ask any questions! You will get any answer! Review, and have some ice cream! There will be 2-3 chapters left, depending on how much of the Draco/Academy/Dobby scenes I do. I could fill an entire chapter with them!

Have some ice cream!

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Dobbylicious Doters (hands out timbits™) A Dobby plushie to anyone who knows what store timbits™ are from (and what they are)!

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FriesWithThat: Oh, but you were there! You were my brownie-giving fangirl without a name, since you did not specify what you wished to be called.

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Allie-Dee: my sister says sweet all the time

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Miranda G. Potter: Neville is a silly willy

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wingless87: no problem

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Siria: Neville is de-lish-us-ly evil (I write it that way because I don't actually know how to spell it)

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CountingCodfish: yes, the end is near…I'm sorry, but school will be starting soon, and I'm graduating this year, so I actually need to WORK..i might drabble in some other fics

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Invisible Voice: to tell you the truth, I don't want to know what Neville does in his spare time

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Lildaisygirl24: ok, that was very long…but that's cool. I have a friend named Jessica, but she didn't want to be a Dobby fangirl…she thinks hes retarded

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The Nauti Dolphin: I've read some HP ff with drunken orgies. Me no likey.

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MysticalSpirits: your poor keyboard. One should never be without evil capital letters

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SinfulColours: Are you Canadian, British, or Other (or do you just spell colours with a 'u'?) I think Dobby's fanclub borders between a cult and just a pack of insane fangirls. It depends on what they eat for breakfast

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Elfaghetti: I thought you hated him! You said he was retarded!


	13. Suckers, Sobbers, and One Lucky Limo

Disclaimer: I don't own harry potter

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PLUG!: I have a new story called Quintuplets. If you like this one, chances are you would like that one too

Chapter XIII- Suckers, Sobbers, and One Lucky Limo

Draco Malfoy painted a strange picture, as he ran down the red carpet, with his daughter pulling on his hair. The fans were arriving now, great numbers of them, and they swarmed him like bees.

"Mister, please, a picture?"

"May I have your autograph?"

"Who do you play?"

"I'm Draco Malfoy's stunt man," he mumbled at them, then spotted his friend Mike, who was a set designer. "Hey Mike! Where's Tom?"

Mike gave him a little wave, and answered, "His limo should be arriving any minute! What the hell are you doing here?"

"I need to talk to Albert! Wait!" Something didn't make sense. "His _limo_?"

"Yes, his limo!"

"_What?"_

Mike frowned. "Oh, you mean your son, Tom?" He laughed. "I don't know!"

"What other Tom would I be talking about?"

"The guy who plays…oh, never mind. I'll ask around."

Draco shook his head, making his blond locks look even more appealing to his daughter. She grabbed a substantial amount from the back of his head, and gave a mighty tug.

"$&#!"

The crowd gasped, and flashbulbs went off. Draco could see the headline now; **_Middle Aged Malfoy Look-alike Curses on Red Carpet_**. That was something he definitely didn't need on his record, and he had a feeling that The Author would freak out.

Speaking of which…

"Dorian!"

"DORIAN!"

"**DORIAN!**"

He turned around, and saw The Author waving at him from the middle of a huge crowd. It had been over ten years now, but he still hadn't gotten the hang of having a false name, especially since none of his friends or family really called him that.

He jogged down the carpet, and hugged her, squashing Katrine in between. More flashbulbs popped, and she groaned.

"It gets annoying, having everyone stalking me like this," she confessed.

"That's the price of celebrity." He grinned. "How are you? I haven't seen you in ages!"

She smiled. "I'm fine, Draco," she whispered. "Where's Tommy? Out with Dobby?"

"I don't know where he is! I ran off to find Katrine, and then I remembered that I left him behind." He bit his lip in frustration. "Please don't put this in a book."

"You know that I'm finished for now." She clapped im on the shoulder. "Go find your son. We can catch up later."

They shared a Hollywood kiss, and Draco turned, and walked away. She called after him, "Where is Her-Helen?"

He shrugged. "I have no idea."

****

AVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVA

Dr. VanHorny lifted the heavily engraved pen, and presented it to her master. "My Lord, It is finished. The plan has come into place." Lord Dimitrius took the writing apparatus from her, then rummaged around in his pockets for his wallet. He pulled out a tiny gold key, and with a small glance at the doctor, handed it to Fred Weasley.

"Your payment, my faithful servant. Vault 739, just down the street. Use the gold well."

Fred bowed his head in reverence. "I will, my Master."

Dimitrius kissed VanHorny on the cheek, then stood to one side of the crowded wizard's shop. "I thank you all." He took the chain, and flung it over his head. There was a puff of smoke, and he was gone.

The two remaining sat in silence for a minute, then the doctor suddenly stood up. She extended her hand. "It was a pleasure working with you, Fred."

He took it, and kissed it. "The pleasure was all mine." She smiled, and walked out the door.

Only after exiting the mural, did she think; _Something was wrong about that. _She shrugged, and continued walking.

Meanwhile, in a small joke shop on a cobblestone road, the red headed inventor began to laugh.

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Sucker.

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AVAVAVA

Hermione sat on a giant rock, facing Neville and Ginny. "I can't believe Fred betrayed us like that," she said. "All this time, I thought he was a great friend, and that maybe he was helping us."

Ginny sniffed. "Some brother-in-law he is."

"Hey, why not be optimistic about this?" Neville piped up. "Maybe he just forgot to tell us how to escape, or maybe he has another plan."

Their laments were interrupted by a small 'pop!" coming from behind them. Hermione turned around, and instantly wished she hadn't.

In the small meadow, amongst the daisies, stood Lord Dimitrius, scourge of Wizard-kind.

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Thunk!

Neville fell in a dead faint.

"Oh God," Ginny breathed. "Lord help us."

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AVAVAVA

Draco turned another corner in the amazingly huge Academy, and ran straight into more fangirls. And Tommy.

__

What are these kids, fangirl magnets? He thought to himself. _They must get it from their Father's side._

"TOMMY MA-McIsaac!" he sputtered. The surprised fangirls screamed, and scattered like bugs.

"We're sorry, sir, he was just so cute!" one of the explained, hiding behind a large ornamental pillar. "He looked just like a-"

"-Draco/Ginny love child, I know, I've heard it." Draco rolled his eyes. The girls around him gasped, and shook their heads earnestly.

"Is _that _what the Fire and Ice-ers have been saying?" another girl remarked.

"Fire and Wha-?"

"Draco/Ginny shippers." She waved her hands like _everyone _knew what that meant. "We're totally different. We thought he looked like a little Draco/Hermione toddler!"

Tommy opened his mouth to say something, but was quickly shushed by Draco, who smiled at the fangirls. "That's what _I'm_ talking about. Thank you for keeping him safe."

He headed off, away from the now squealing L&L fangirls, who looked ready to glomp him into the ground.

As soon as they were out of sight, Tommy planted his feet down, and began to pout. 

"You stupid, and I hate you."

He stared at his father with a vengeance, unshed tears in his eyes. "You left me all by myself."

Draco hugged his son tightly, and said, "I'm sorry, Tom, okay? I promise that I'll never leave you by yourself again."

Tommy sniffed, then hugged him back. "I sorry Daddy I call you stupid."

Draco smiled, and stood up, Katrine still tightly held in his arms. "We need to go find Dobby. Do you know where he is?"

He made a face, his little nose all scrunched up. "Yes Daddy, I knows."

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AVAVAVA

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An: yeek. Run, fangirls, run!

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Fun fact: a 'dobby' is actually the woven or braided band on the edge of a towel. Believe it, or not!

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All reviewers get a jar of pickles. Use accordingly.

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I love Reviewers, Yes I Do! I love Reviewers, how bout You?

wingless87: fangirls are scary…well, I kind of drew this one out a bit, so there are two chapters left now

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MysticalSpirits: I LURVE CAPITALS BECAUSE THEY MAKE ME FEEL LOUD

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Miranda G. Potter: you've got it…sort of…

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mrs w00d nd malf0y: poor Draco is still a bit confused about the fangirl thing. Ew. Neville is not sexy

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Cayticious: YES! You are correct! Have a dobby plushie! It sings!

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Horny-Cotter: YES! You are correct as well! You can have a singing dobby plushie too!

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SinfulColours: ew! Pickles smell funny. It's a good thing that you already spell colour with a 'u', because I would spell it that way anyway.

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T'Lorie: you have friends like that? I made an ice cream cone, but ate it when I updated my fic

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lildaisygirl24: that's okay…as long as you don't start fantasizing about Neville. Ew

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Elizabeth Alyson: ooo I luff gold stars!

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Elfaghetti: I take that as a giant complement


	14. It Started With a Handshake

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry potter

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Oh yeah…this is the second last chapter. Sniffle.

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Chapter XIV- It Started With a Handshake…

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Giggle.

Draco stopped right in his tracks, at the door Tommy was pointing at. "Right in there, Daddy. I saws him go in there with girls!"

"You did, did you?" He plopped Katrine down onto the floor. "Just stay here with your sister a bit. Do NOT go wandering off!" Draco knew his house elf practiced things that were rather…unsavory, things that he would rather not have his children know about. Taking a deep breath, he opened the door.

"YEEK!"

He shut the door. Scarred. For. Life.

Picking up both his children, he ran, with a rush of adrenaline, down the hall. He could hear the door fly open behind him, but he didn't stop to look. He just ran.

"Master Draco!"

"AAAAAH! Go away!"

Tommy and Katrine were slowly slipping from his grasp, and his arms were aching with fatigue. Desperate, he spotted a bevy of retreating fangirls, and prayed to God that they were the 'good' kind.

"Who….do…you…ship…?" he panted. They turned around, and quickly grabbed his kids, right before he collapsed onto the ground.

"Tut tut tut, Mister mal-McIsaac. You aren't the young, nubile man you once were."

His eyes flew open at the sound of that voice. It was Steven Snape, surrounded by the girls.

"Steven? You're a-"

"Draco/Hermione shipper?" He grinned. "How could I not be?"

"-Harry Potter fan?" Draco finished. He threw a look over his shoulder, and was relieved to see that he had lost his disgusting servant. For now, that is.

The fangirls helped him to his feet, and brushed off his robes for him. One of them gave him a small smile. He returned it.

"Thanks a million."

Suddenly, all the fangirls gasped as one, and stared at something behind him. He turned around, holding his children towards him tightly.

"Oh, not you."

Dobby hobbled up to him, his entire body beet red. The girls began to whisper, stuff about 'mirrors', 'CGI', and 'puppets'. Draco waved at Steven, then tore down the hall, hoping that his house elf was following.

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AVAVAVAVAVA

"At last. I have you all where I want you!" Lord Dimitrius was obviously enjoying this moment, and he was determined to make it last. "Thanks to my evil minions, I now I have the supreme power to take over the world!"

Ginny rolled her eyes at Hermione. They had heard this speech many times before, first the thank-yous, then the ego trips, than finally the entire evil plan, all regurgitated in that order.

"I am sure you are all wondering why you are here," he remarked. He was met by blank, uninterested stares. Somebody would come. They always did.

Every single stinking year, Dimitrius would come, most likely to rid the world of the evils of truth and love, or something. After the fourth year, they didn't pay much attention. There was only so many times he could scare the living crap out of them.

"Well….. I suppose you aren't wondering. Um…" Hermione nearly laughed at the fact that he was speechless, his little tirade ruined by their disinterest.

"Aren't you going to tell us your evil plan?" Ginny urged, Neville suppressing gigantic giggles.

Dimitrius cheered up a bit, and continued. "My greatest help came from one Fred Weasley. He needed the money to continue his petty shop. The money came from, well, maybe I shouldn't tell you."

Neville stuck out his tongue. "Tease."

"Alright then, I will tell. It was someone who would make a giant profit off of imprisoning you three." He held out his hands, as if he had given it away. They stared back at him, clueless. He groaned. "it was The Author."

"Oh." Neville turned towards the two girls, who only looked mildly interested. "Is that it. I always suspected there was something wrong with her."

"What's wrong with you three?!?" The Dark Lord exclaimed. _I must have picked the wrong three to imprison. These three are no fun!_

" Well then," he said, feigning boredom. "I guess I'd better go. Care to join me?"

Ah. He said the magic words.

"You…you…you know the way back?" Ginny sputtered. Dimitrius nodded.

"I do. And you don't"

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AVAVAVA

Draco burst into Bumblebee's office, a whirlwind of children and one horny house-elf. "ALBERT! Do you know where Hermione is?"

The elderly Headmaster looked up at the intruder and ushered him to a chair next to his desk. "Not yet, Draco, but I hope to soon."

Draco sat down in the squashy chair, and looked around. Harry and Ron were also there, as was Pansy, minus the children.

"Ginny and Neville are missing," Ron informed him. "They have been for several days."

Pansy sniffled a bit, and Harry handed her his hanky. He looked up, with pleading eyes. "So, you can find them?"

Bumblebee shook his head. "We do, however, have a lead. One of his minions sent a note to the Academy, on his orders." He took a small piece of parchment from his desk, and read;

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ALBERT. STOP. I HAVE THE MUDBLOOD. STOP. YOU CAN NEVER CATCH ME THIS TIME. STOP. THE WORLD IS MINE. STOP. UP YOURS HARRY POTTER. STOP.

"Upon further investigation, and questioning of _your_ brother, Ron, we found out that Dimitrius is also holding Ginny, and Neville, and that they are in a reality that can only be reached through Fred's magic devices."

Draco was pale as parchment. "So, where is this 'reality'?"

"It could possibly be an alternate dimension," Bumblebee mused, scratching his chin thoughtfully. "One where Harry did not shake your hand at the beginning of the school year, therefore jeopardizing their friendship that is now established in _this _dimension. Or, it could be a manifestation of imagination, something that I have heard of before."

"So the absence of that one handshake could change an entire reality?" Harry asked. Bumblebee nodded.

"It seems as though this dimension was radically altered by that handshake. From it stemmed the House-Elf rebellion, the Mudblood Revolt, and countless other things. Your friendship with Draco changed the way Purebloods looked at Muggle-borns." He ruffled Tommy's hair. "I can go so far as to say that without that handshake, Draco and Hermione would have never ended up together."

"So, how do we get there?" Ron asked, tears in his eyes.

"According to Fred, the only way to get there is through his device, which he has run out of."

"Great."

The motley crew sat there, hopeless and lost, until Tommy piped up, "Don't worry. Mummy is there! Mummy knows everything!"

Draco smiled, and held his son close. "I hope so, Tommy. I really hope so."

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AVAVAVAVA

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An: this chapter was rather strange, as I kind of wrote it backward, starting from Bumblebee saying "It could possibly be an alternate dimension." I really liked the idea of the real world being the one where Harry shook Malfoy' hand, because I always wonder what would have happened if he did.

OMIGOD, one of my friends told me about this guy she knows, who hit his girlfriend in the head with a golf ball! Then she broke up with him. Poor guy.

In his honour, I will give everyone a golf ball made of ice cream, and a bowl of strawberries with sugar

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The Reviewers who reviewed so reviewed-ly

Miranda G. Potter: you are a good guess-er (my computer told me that wasn't a real word)

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mrs w00d nd malf0y: he seems as though he has lost some weight since the second movie. He looked kinda like a rat in this one

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wingless87 I could see him doing that too! He seems like the kinda of guy who doesn't really give a flying shoe of what people think of him

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The Nauti Dolphin: here, have some pickles. I read about the dobby in Martha Stewart, since she would be one of the only two people in the world who actually cared that much about towels

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Horny-Cotter: I think that I'll give her a cameo in my other story

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Mystical Spirits: if you want to wipe your razor off on a towel, do it on the dobby, so that you won't get towel fluff stuck between your blades

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T'Lorie: no, I'm sorry, I'm not that brilliant. I think it started at (btw, the d/hr ship is called the SS Leather and Libraries.

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Allie-Dee: Please don't, I'd never be able to get the pickled smell out of my hair

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DiggaDigga: no, actually, he isn't. ;)

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lildaisygirl24: if you still don't get it by the end of the story, I can explain it to you

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FriesWithThat: where in the mountains? Mountains rock.


	15. The All Knowing Author

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Disclaimer: Harry Potter is not mine.

(an: this is it!)

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Chapter XV- The All-Knowing Author

Thunder cracked. Lighting flashed. The outline of Hogwarts castle was silhouetted against the warring sky, a perfect backdrop for the announcements of the Lord of Darkness. He stood, a maniacal Noah, the flashes and booms merely animals in his cosmic menagerie.

Then the thunder and lightening magically stopped.

Ginny rolled her eyes at him. "Honestly. Evil overlords these days." She motioned to her _Writing Wizard._ "Give them one ounce of power, and they go all dramatic on us."

Neville nodded in agreement, his head in his hands.

"Please Dimitrius," Hermione pleaded. "I have two children who need me. Can't you find any love in your heart to just tell us how to shut this thing off?"

Both Neville and Ginny nodded their heads. The Dark Lord laughed maniacally, and screamed, "You fools! This was what I was hoping for! You three in my power, helpless! Now I have all the force to bring Harry Potter and his companions to their knees! The Stupid Idiots!" He flounced like a nancy boy, and his face lit up with joy. "I must go off and gloat!"

With a taunting wave, Dimitrius turned away, and removed the chain from around his neck. Nothing happened. Confused, he put it back on, then took it off. Nothing happened again. "Stupid mershlachummmfz," he muttered to himself.

"What's that, Lord?" Neville piped up. "Forgotten how to get back?"

The Dark Lord scowled up at Neville, his usually handsome features skewed up in a constipated fashion. "Of course not, idiot. It's not working properly."

"You can't leave by just taking it off," Hermione said. "We already tried that. How stupid do you think we are?"

"Don't answer that," Ginny added quickly.

After a minute of tinkering with the pen, Dimitrius gave a wild yell, and threw it across the field, completely frustrated. Thinking quickly, Ginny began to write.

****

Suddenly, the earth opened up, and swallowed The Evil Lord Dimitrius in one gulp

"Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

"Stupid guy," Hermione commented. "Throwing away his only weapon."

She walked over, and picked up the _Weasley Writing Wizard_, and began to fiddle with it.

"I'm glad that Fred didn't totally betray us," Ginny sighed, sitting down. "It couldn't have been a mistake that he didn't tell Dimitrius how to return."

Neville plopped down next to her, equally glum. "But it's a pity he never told us."

Hermione felt a tear trickle down her cheek, and quickly wiped it away, the _Writing Wizard _gently grazing her cheek. Ginny motioned to it. "You got pen on your face."

"Oh, I didn't know these things could actually write," Hermione laughed, then clicked the end with her thumb, retracting the ink.

The pen vanished.

Neville jumped up, his eyes as big as Galleons. "Did you see that, or am I just going insane?"

"We saw it," Ginny replied, her voice barely a whisper. Without another word, Neville clicked the end of his own pen, and vanished as well.

Hermione faced Ginny. "Do you think it hurts?" the redhead said. Hermione shook her head no.

"It didn't hurt getting here. Besides, what's the big deal? A little prick, and we're back home!"

Ginny smiled. "Alright. See you on the other side!" Then with a click, she was gone.

Hermione felt her own pen in her hand, and closed her eyes.

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Goodbye Hogwarts.

Click.

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AVAVAVAVA

Two days had passed since the Harry Potter Convention-slash-Academy Alumni Reunion-slash- Harry Potter Actors Public Appearance. Dobby hummed quietly to himself, thinking back fondly to his experience at the Academy, full of food, fun, and his own fangirls. He plopped down in his beanbag, and began to doze.

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Mmmmmm…

"DOBBY!"

The house elf's eyes flew open at the sight of Master Draco running down the hall with shaving cream all over his face, razor in his hand. "Dobby, have you seen my aftershave anywhere?"

Dobby shook his head glumly. _Master is lost without Mistress Hermione._ Draco frowned. "Maybe I stuck it in one of the closets."

He turned, and headed down the hall towards the storage closet. He opened it, and then…

What could only be described as a 'squee' was heard, and then there was a loud scream, and a thump. Dobby, being a loyal house elf, scrambled to his feet, and ran down the hall, to see if his Master was in trouble. He then gave a sigh of relief, as he saw it was only Mistress Hermione, dressed in too-small robes, sitting on top of her husband, who was nearly jumping with joy.

"Have you been in there the whole time?" he asked stupidly. She grinned at his puzzled face, and gave him a huge kiss, shaving cream and all. When she pulled away, she looked like Father Christmas.

"I'll explain it all later," she said. "Now, where are my children?"

"Don't worry, I dropped them off at Crabbe and Goyle's" Draco explained, wiping off the fluffy cream. She looked at him, horrified. "I also know where you were. Hogwarts, right? Bumblebee kept us informed."

"That mad hatter, he always knows everything!" Hermione brushed herself off, and looked over at her house-elf. "What have you been up to?"

Dobby smiled.

"Mistress will be delighted that Dobby has kept the house clean."

"I am, thank you very much," she replied.

"Mistress will also be happy to know that Dobby has kept the computer running. The story that you have been writing is on there now."

Hermione blanched.

"I think I've had enough of fanfiction for now," she said with a laugh. Draco hugged her to him tightly. "I've become morbidly scared of pens…"

****

())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())TBC)(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())

"…and I'm never touching a computer again!"

The End

Draco typed the last 'd' with a gallant flourish, then swirled the chair around to face his wife. She 'humphed' to herself, and protested, "That means nothing."

"Nothing?" he squeaked.

She shook her head. "Nothing."

"You still cannot accept that I, Draco Malfoy, am a better writer than you?"

"You are not a better writer than me! We are simply _different_!"

He laughed at her frustration, and motioned to the screen. "Can you write that? That story, filled with complex characters, plot twists, and garnished with 166 loving reviews?"

"It is based on real life, Dray-CO, you don't need any imagination to write that!"

He stood up, and wrapped his arms around her, smothering any other complaints. "It's okay, Hermione, I understand your frustration. It will take some time before you can come to the conclusion that I am a better writer than you."

She wriggled quickly out of his grasp, and stared at him hotly. "Neville wouldn't have a cat."

He quirked an eyebrow. "What?"

"In your story Neville was petting a fluffy white cat. In real life Neville is allergic to cats."

He waved off her statement. "It's a story! Neville can have a fluffy white cat if he wants to."

"Whatever. That _Writing Wizard _thing didn't make sense either. It slowly morphed from a writing aid into a full blown inter-dimensional transportation device!" She grabbed one of Draco's company pens, and waved it in his face. "A-WHOOSH!"

He snorted. "You crack me up, Hermione."

"No I don't!" She huffed at his smirking face. "You're just a paltry fanfiction writer! And your title doesn't make sense any more either!"

"Sure it does!"

"Nooooo! If she was married at the time, wouldn't it be 'Penname: Hermione _Malfoy_?"

He rolled his eyes. "No. It would be Granger, so that she wouldn't be known as a stereotypical D/Hr-shipper!"

"You can't just lose all grasp on reality when writing!"

"Ah, but my dear, that _is _reality!"

"I GIVE UP!"

Hermione stormed out the door of their lavish office, and down the hall to the den. Draco grinned, and stuck his head out after her, and yelled, "IT'S OKAY! I KNOW YOU'RE JEALOUS!"

She huffed at him, then sat down lazily on a squishy leather couch. Her look turned instantly from an angered expression into one that was satisfied, and slightly crafty. "I think that's all for today," she muttered to herself, then with a final look around the room, she pulled back her robes to reveal a long-chained necklace, with a pendant shaped like an ornate ballpoint pen. Looking around to make sure no one was watching, she reached down, and clicked the pen closed.

And then she was gone.

The End

****

AVAVAVAVA

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(an: OMIGOD, its over!!!!! I can't believe it! Did you like the ending? If you didn't, then I'm sorry, but I've been planning it since Chapter Eleven! Anyone who has read Barry Trotter probably knew it was coming, but anywho…Read and Review….but I guess if you've come this far it means that you've already read it, so just review! Please!)

ps: I have an epilogue, but I don't like it, and I probably wont post it, but I also have an appendix (Hermione's Thoughts on Shippage) that I like, and I might post that instead

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(reviewers get anatomically correct Draco clones)

The Nauti Dolphin: hopefully your eyeballs haven't dried out

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Xhana: oh God, don't mention math class…. I hope it was confusing in a good way

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Miranda G. Potter: you were my first reviewer way back in the day! Eee! I wuv you! The Author is a bit of a moron…

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FriesWithThat: I sort of live near somewhat mountainous areas…northern Alberta, Canada, but I hang out at my Grandpa's winter home, which is mountain-y. How does one disco, exactly?

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Horny-Cotter: I don't want to know what Dobby was doing

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CountingCodfish: yes, I kind of felt sorry for him as well

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Wingless87: poor Draco….him and his little perverted servant

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lildasygirl24: he wants to take over the world, as usual

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Hermione Double: I like the un-realistic-ness of it too. If I want to dwell on R/H, I'll just watch the 3rd HP movie, but if I want to dwell on D/H, I'll read or write a fanfic, which is so much nicer

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T'Lorie: NO! NOT THE GREMLINS!

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mrs w00d nd malf0y: do you need a cough drop?

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Invisible Voice: your wish is my command!

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Elfaghetti: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I want to adopt your Malfoy Family fic, because I have SOOOO many ideas!!!! EEEEEE!!!

Toodles :)

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	16. Appendix A

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Appendix A- Explanations, Plugs, and a Silly Little Poem

First off, the **Explaining**:

Okay, there were a couple people wondering what the hell was going on with the ending. I'll sum it up like this: Hermione (the REAL one) was writing a story about Draco writing a story about Hermione writing a story. Get it?

I don't either. I just confused myself. Try skimming the chapter backwards, or something. If there's any one out there who can explain it better than me, please put your explanation in a review, or email it to me. Whew.

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Plugs

Some more people were wondering when I would write another story like this one. The answer is… I have two stories on the go right now, plus a story like this one that is on hold. Click my name, and it'll take you to them. If you like naughty Harry Potter poetry, then you should be happy.

And speaking of which….

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Silly Poem

Draco had a long detention

In the Potion's room

Because he did not pay attention

And his draught went "boom!"

Hermione was also caught

Correcting Snape's instruction

She didn't like to be mistaught

He thought her an obstruction

So it came that they were there

And had to scrub the floors

Snape told them they had to share

Then left and locked the doors

They had to wash the slimy floor

Of which they almost bailed

Both of them tried to ignore

The other, but they failed

First they fought, and then they swore

And insults they did treat

At their clothing now they tore

Until they both were beat

"Why this?" she said, her eyes ablaze

He looked at her with light

"We are both smart, we'd rule this place

"If we did never fight."

And then they saw in both their faces

Emotion hard to miss

They sat, rooted in their places

Then leant in for a kiss

The rest, as said, is history

They learned to love each other

At this point, I end the story

And go on to another


End file.
